I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.
This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single. It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve experienced online. This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.
I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again. I saw this alias as a way of being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.
So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy. If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me. That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name.
I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years. All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.
I really don’t have anything I want to write about. Just felt like writing. I got so much clutter on my mind right now, I don’t know where to begin.
Am I the only who has a problem with my body? I’m asking because everyone keeps telling me there’s nothing wrong with it and that I don’t have to lose any weight, but honestly I think I do. That’s why I started work on The Claudette Jameson Diet. I have a blog for that now too, I made my first Vlog for it. I’ll post it here. Anyway, I can’t see what everyone else does. I see a big stomach and big legs that need to be slimmed. I see a reason to be in the gym for 2 hours 3 times a week. I might add another day though. I am off tomorrow.
Today I good sum of money in my account. I’ve already paid all my bills and took out money to get my hair and brows done. I got a ton left over and I want to buy some shoes, but I don’t know if I really want them. As you know I’m a member of Shoedazzle,so I get some pairs of shoes to choose from every month. This month I asked for an alternative selection of flats, which looked good from a far but I knew wouldn’t look good one me. However, there were these shoes that weren’t part of the group selected for me that I loved. These:
Those caught my eye because they were different and I like different. But I’m not 100% on them. I mean, I need a shoe that I can wear to class everyday, that are comfortable, and cute. So far these are 1 for 3. I just don’t know, but I have a couple of weeks to figure it out. I like to treat myself to a pair of shoes each month regardless of if its Shoedazzle or the mall, so maybe I’ll go out tomorrow and see something I like. If not, I might get these.
But more than likely I’m going shopping tomorrow. I need new work pants because the ones I have now have a hole in them. I assume because my ass is too big, or because the quality is terrible. I think I’ll buy some Dickies this time.
I’m so bored right now, and cold. Times like this makes me wish I had a man. Seriously, like whenever I’m cold I just wish I had a guy to warm me up, kiss me, rub me down, etc. Then I come back to reality. I’m willing to look for the right one and not just settle. My Mr. Perfect isn’t everyone’s Mr. Perfect. My Mr. Perfect has flaws that are beautiful that I see as perfect, and I hope he see’s me the same way.
I don’t know what it is about Lupe Fiasco, but when I listen to him I just become more productive. If I listen to any type of music while I’m writing it’s him. It’s weird. I tried to listen to different artist while studying, writing, reading and I couldn’t did it. Could it be that Lupe Fiasco has a classical music effect on me? I guess since I love hip hop he’s like my Mozart.
Anyway, I think I’m done. It’s too cold to have my hands out like this, and I’m inside! LOL.
Before I went to bed last night, I had a great idea. Ok, maybe not so great, doesn’t even seen that healthy, but I was inspired by this lady who lost weight on a liquid diet that she created herself. She lost a lot of weight really fast and she now looks great. For the sake of a challenge I started Sunday, I wanted to try something similar to that, but meal replacement shakes are expensive, and what if I don’t like them? I searched for an alternative, and then it came to me, in my sleep (kinda), Yogurt!
I love yogurt! It usually curbs my sweet craving and actually keeps me full for a little while. On top of that, it’s way cheaper than meal replacement shakes. I thought maybe I could follow her plan using yogurt instead of shakes while also adding my own twist to it. Anyway, here’s the breakdown of the plan:
Morning: 1 cup of green tea and 1 cup of yogurt OR 1 Protein Shake
Lunch- 2 cups of any veggie for like with green tea.
Throughout The Day- 1 cups of yogurt when hungry(for me that would be around 5 cups)
Dinner: Portion Controlled Meal
Like I said before, this isn’t the healthiest diet and I”m not really sure how effective it is because I’m starting it today, but common sense will tell you that a low calorie diet with exercise will shed pounds, and eating small meals throughout the day will keep you from feeling sluggish. Green tea also boosts your metabolism, and protein will keep you full longer and helps you build muscle.
I plan to lose at least 10lbs in 2 months on this diet. I know that’s not a lot, but I always start low when I go on any diet because I don’t want to get my hope up too high, so I start with something basic and easily achievable even I know I can lose more.
I will keep you all updated with my progess. I need to learn how to make YouTube videos so that I can Vlog my progress, so if anyone can help me out please let me know.
December 31, 2009. The end of the year, the end of a decade. A decade I lived through, laughed through, cried through. A decade that made me a better me. I learned so much about myself, but I’m still confused about a few things.
The decade started with my father getting married to the lady I now know as my step mother. I lived in 2 different worlds during this time. One being the conservative, typical Christian family. Church every sunday, waking up early for Sunday school, church functions, etc. When I wasn’t in church I was spending most my time with my Grandparents, who were more like my actual parents. I was closed off from the world and stayed in that little house in Cavalier Manor, until I was like 14 or 15 when I got my bike and started riding it around the neighborhood. My first boyfriend lived across the street from Waters Middle School, but my first love lived down the street from me. He was 18, and I was 15. My dad met him and never let me leave the house again, but he worked near my cousin’s hair salon, where I was a receptionist, so I saw him on my lunch break every Saturday. I was so in love with him until I got a text message from another girl saying the she was pregnant with his baby.
My other life was filled with partying. Actually from the age of 8 until 14 my life was literally a never-ending party. My mom and her boyfriend, who I refer to as my stepdad because he basically raised me, partied every night. I remember walking downstairs to go to school and seeing about a dozen people pasted out in my family room. The regulars were like family to me,and most of them were the same age as my sisters so my mom was like a mother to them. This is the reason why I have so many “brothers”. None of them are blood related, but they call my mother “mom”. I also have tons of “uncles”, “aunts”, and “cousins” because of these parties. Literally Monday through Sunday you would hear Go go music blasting from my house starting as early as 3pm. My 13th birthday party lasted 3 days and I was only there for one! I learned how to play spades during that time, and my mom was known for her “Pink Panties” , a drink she used to make with frozen pink lemonade, gin, and whipped cream. Other than beer, that was the first alcoholic beverage I ever tasted, and I couldn’t even taste the gin.
Also shout out my pets. All the dogs I’ve had over the past 10 years. Diamond, Gogo, Madison,Noble, the rest of Diamond’s puppies. Especially Jigga who got his name from the line in “Hard Knock Life” where Jay said “Scratch his name out, put Jigga on top…” . I think of that puppy whenever I hear that song. He was the only black puppy in the bunch. Also I cannot forget Lucky, the celebrity of the bunch. He was on the morning news one morning. He was known for running away. Well known around the pound. However, the last time he ran away he didn’t come back. I still miss him. He was a Beagle/Basset Hound mix; the closest I had to a lap dog. Lastly, the last dog standing, my baby girl, Ginger. I love her to death.
This decade I also went through this little thing called puberty. I started growing my famous breast in 5th grade. While my classmates where still in training bras, I was wearing cup sizes. 34A specifically. By 6th grade I was a B, 7th grade a C, 8th a D, and by the time I hit high school I was in the doubles going in the triples. I never really had a problem with my breast, but everyone else did. I mean, I never had back problems, maybe I had to buy my shirts a little bigger but other than that it wasn’t that serious to me. When I cheered I was the Brittani with the big boobs. In college I was “Double D’s”. Those names didn’t bother me even though many thought that it should. I loved getting that type of attention. Earlier this year I did contemplate getting a breast reduction for fashion, but after thinking long and hard about it, I decided not to. My F’s are what make me who I am. That’s one of the things I’m known for. Plus I’ve been working great with them this long, might as well keep them.
During this time I started liking boys, more than usual. It started in 7th grade when I had my first sexual experience with this guy I had a major crush on. Like I wrote poetry about this dude. I had poetry books dedicated to him. It was in his cousin’s house. I thought it was sex, but I wasn’t penetrated. Also it wasn’t even vaginal, but I still ran around telling everyone I lost my virginity to this dude and that is why till this day a lot of people I went to school with don’t know I’m a virgin. I was a great liar back then(still am), and the fact that he didn’t deny it make it even more believable.
He was one of 3 big crushes I had growing up. The second was this guy who played basketball for my high school, star player, and I didn’t even like him at first. The reason was that every other girl on the cheerleading squad liked him. For some reason that turned me off, but then I got a good look at the man and realized why these girls were drooling. He was tall, with yellow skin, cornrows, and grey eyes. Nice smile, dressed nice, smart, and sweet; it’s hard to resist someone like that. Til this day, I still have a crush on him. He’s my friend on Facebook, I follow him on Twitter, and the last time I saw him I melted when he gave me a hug. I doubt he would ever give me the time of day, plus it would be hard since he goes to school in Kentucky now, but one day I hope to go out with him and just talk. So, Mr. Basketball Player, if you are reading this hit me up!
Guy number 3 you all know as my “Favorite Football Player”, or “That guy who plays for the Vikings”, or “That nigga who use to be at Florida”, did I refer to him as anything else? Anyway, I will reveal who he is for my slow readers and those who don’t watch sports. Percy Harvin. At first I didn’t know who this dude was. I just heard everyone talking about him, and I was just like “Who or what the fuck is a Percy, and why should I take time out of my life to know who he is?” Then, one day I was waking up from a nap(this is back when I use to watch Oprah) and the news was on and they were talking to this cute guy from Landstown in a tan jacket. Let’s just say there were 2 wet spots on my bed; one from drooling and the other from dripping. After that I was hooked. I became a fan and he became one of my biggest crushes since the guy who “took my virginity”. However, I never met him though I knew all his friends and there were times when we were in the same room, feet from each other. I wish I could have though. Hopefully one day I will. So again, Percy, if you’re reading this(I doubt it) holla at me! I will look so good on your arm. Ok, let me stop.
I graduated high school and headed off to college. You would think I would hate Morgan State University, but I don’t. I’m a bear for life, even if I don’t graduate. Claudette Jameson would not exist if it wasn’t for that one depressed day in room 638 when I just wanted to be someone else, and created an account on Second Life. The software wasn’t compatible with my iBook, but I kept the name. I love that school, I met so many great friends there, so many talented people. I’m actually planning on moving back to Baltimore, because I just loved being there. For some reason that city was just so inspiring.
I know I’m leaving a lot of stuff out, but most of what is being left out I’ve written on here before. (i.e.,Brett Farve). Plus I didn’t want to make this too depressing. I’m done feeling sorry for myself, and letting my past hold me back. 2010 is a new year and the start of a new decade. I want to be happy for a change; I’m tired of being depressed. I want to reach my goals. For those who follow me on Twitter, you know that I am now writing for the site Capital Noise (which launches tomorrow by the way), and I’m getting my body together so I can do some modeling under my alter ego’s alter ego BriMyChelle. I want to do big things and I have big dreams for myself. Dreams I got to make come true, so I can’t just sit around doing nothing and feeling bad about myself.
With all that being said, I want to be one of the first to wish you all a Happy New Year. I just got my new netbook, so look forward to a lot of new entries. I plan to do big things in 2010 and beyond so stay tuned!
I’ve tried everything. I’ve never felt this bad ever. I don’t think that I’ll make it until the end of the year, the end of the week, the end of this day. I just don’t feel like me. I’m not truely happy. My heart hurts, and it brings me to tears thinking about why its so hard for me to be happy. Why can’t I be happy like other people? Why am I like? Why is it so bad? To be completely honest, I don’t want to live anymore and I really don’t care who I hurt by saying this. It’s the truth.
No one acts like they want me to stay alive anyway. They’re tired of my “whining”, so instead of answering my cry for help, they ignore it. Ignoring it, mean that they don’t care,and I honestly believe that there are a lot of people out here who actually would be happy if I were dead so that they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. I bet there are tons of people who secretly wish that was so. Actually I know.
So why don’t I just do it. Yeah my family would be sad but in the long run that would be a load off their shoulders. They won’t have to bother with my mood swing. My mom wouldn’t have to leave the state because she’s fed up with me. I don’t have to keep hidhing from my dad. My siblings won’t be stress over me. I honestly believe they would be relieved if I finally killed myself. I would be too.
I would be happier, actually I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Why can’t I jut go and do it? The thought has crossed my mind many time to just drive down the wrong side of the road one night, lay in the middle of the street, and even drive drunk, but if I do any of those things and survive I might hurt someone else and/or get arrested. I’m not out to harm anyone else, just myself. It’s not their fault I’m the way I am, so they shouldn’t have to be a victim. I just want to hurt me.
I’m so sad, so angry, so disgusted with myself. I’m ashamed and embarassed for acting the way I do which adds to it, but I can’t stop. I just want someone to take notice and do something, but no one really has. I’ve just been ignored. I’ve just been left alone, which is where this problem stems, from me being alone. I’m always alone. If I were around someone I would be so much happier, if people interacted with me, I don’t think I would be like this, but I was cursed with shyness making it hard for me to interact with people. Meaning they don’t intereact with me, so I’m left alone with myself and my thoughts. No one to come over and get me out of my rut, no one really to talk to, no one to hug me and help me through what I was dealing with. I had to do that alone. I’ve never had encouragement unless it was to do something negative. Never any positive encouragement. I’ve became a cold person for the simple fact that I believe people hate me. It’s to the point that I want people to hate me because I get more attention that way. When I was nice, no one paid attention to me, or told me how nice I was. They took advantage of it, but they never appreciated it. On top of that I was different and no one wanted to be around me. I never got to bond with my team when I was cheerleading and guys never liked me. Another reason why I find my life useless.
I’ve only had 2 real boyfriends, both relationships ended with a pregnant woman(who wasn’t me) getting involved. I had one boyfriend treat me like dirt because I wouldn’t have sex with him, and a couple of guys just quit talking to me because of it. What’s the use of my existing if I can’t reproduce? I’m afraid to have sex, plus I waiting for this person who either will never come or is already taken. I’m over this! No man wants me, and I wouldn’t blame them. I deserve to be treated the way I was, especially with comtemplating being a stripper. I’m a disgusting person. No man will ever respect me. I’ll only be used for sexual pleasure. I don’t want that to be my life, so I might as well end it.
I’ve lost all interest in school, one of my favorite things. I use to love school, even the hard subjects, but now I just don’t care. I want to flunk out, I want to fail. I’ll never get my degree so what’s the use of me even continuing? I should be applying to other colleges now, but I cant because my other school still hasn’t sent my transcripts. I honestly don’t know what I want to do anyway,so why keep going and wasting money?
Which brings me to what triggered this entire depressive state. Money issues. My mom doesn’t have a job, so everything is going down hill. The cable is off, we may not have a house, I’m barely making $150 a week now. I’ve applied at a couple of jobs, none of them have called back. I’m still in debt, it’s just hard and depressing. I can’t live like this.
You all can say that there are people worse off than me and they’re getting through, but I’m not them. They’re happy. Yeah they might be upset over their current state but overall they are happy people. They aren’t severely depressed people. That’s why I can’t stand it when someone tells someone who is suicidal that “it’s not that bad”. Fuck You! You think those 4 little words are going to prevent someone from offing themselves? It’s not. To you it’s not that bad, but to us it is. You don’t know what I’ve been through to get to where I am. To having no hope for my life. That’s something normal happy people will never EVER understand. I don’t even understand why I’m asking my help anymore. It’s useless. I’m beyond help. I should just end it all now.
I’ve talked about this a lot. I’ve honestly wanted to do it since I was very young. Now that I’m of age ,and men tell me that I have the body for it, I just might try it. The main reason is because I need the money, bad. I’m only working weekends at my job because the season is over and I’m barely getting 20 hours. On top of that, I have my bills to pay on top of paying some of my mother’s bills because she is currently unemployed. I need the money. I know many of you would tell me to cut back on my spending and I have been. I’m done buying hair for the rest of the year, I haven’t bought clothes since early September maybe with the exception of the dress I had to buy for a wedding recently, I don’t eat out as much, and I talked myself out of buying an unneccessary 2nd phone. What else can I cut out?
I need a second job bad, but I suck at interviews and I hate those waste of time quizzes that they give you. I mean if I’m going to spend an hour answering the same questions 5 times and then you reject my application because I answer 2 questions differently then this isn’t the job for me. Plus no one is hiring for real anyway, and I’m always going to be beat out by someone with more experience in the field. I’m very experienced in the field of being sexy. Doing anything, within reason, to get money.
That’s why I think stripping is for me. I’m getting paid to do what I do best. Be sexy. The club that I want to work for just happens to be hiring. I assume they make good money there seeing that my guy friends go like every week and spend like hundreds of dollars. That’s the type of money I need. I can help my mom, I can pay off my debts, it will make everything easier. We won’t have to worry about the cable being turned off, or the internet bill being late, or having the power turned off. I’ll be able to take care of all of that.
Most importantly I’ll be happy. I’ll be doing something I’ve been wanting to do since I was 11 years old, maybe younger. I’ll finally get the attention I crave and get paid for it. I’ve never seen stripping as being degrading, but glamorous. I never saw the negatives and I never will. All I see is money right now and I have to do what I gotta do to get it. Even if it does mean hurting my family. My mom might kick me out, I don’t care, but I doubt she will when she knows I’m helping her pay her bills. My dad may not speak to me, but do you think I care? No!
As of right now, there’s no cable tv and I don’t know when it will return, come Friday I may not have internet, meanwhile downstairs both freezers and the refrigerator are almost empty. I can’t live like this. I’m not use to this. I’m willing to do what ever to get things back to normal.
Ok so you remember that guy I told ya’ll about in one of my entries earlier in the summer? The one who hugged me in the drugstore, and…. ya’ll already know that story. If not look it up, and if you want to you can check it for errors and then leave a comment about how my entries are filled with grammar and punctuation errors and that I should brainstorm, pre-write, and edit before I even think about posting such a hot mess of an essay online! Sorry, a commenter pissed me off last week…somehow she believed that I was a token black girl at an HBCU…anyway….
Its weird because I always thought that this was just a high school crush and that I should be over him by now since, you know, I’ve been out of high school for 2 years now, but I think about him a lot. It’s not like Helga off of “Hey Arnold” though. I don’t have a shrine devoted to him in my closet or anything. I did, however, steal a picture of him off of the wall in one of my classrooms in high school, a piece a paper in the shape of our school’s mascot with his name and college on it, and, the year that both our boys and girls basketball teams went to regionals, I demanded that I cheer for the boys game just so I could see him play. On top of that, I only missed one game that year. Actually, out of the 3.5 years that I cheered in high school, I only missed 2 games. Football and basketball, and I never missed practice. If I did, they thought something really serious happened. Cheering was my passion back, and having eye candy like him made it even better when basketball season came around.
He seemed like such a fun guy to hang out with. I always wanted to chill (original version of the verb; the clean version) with him. Like on a friend level, but that never happened. We just weren’t around each other like that. We didn’t have the same circle of friends. Though I was a cheerleader, I didn’t hangout with them. I wasn’t like them. Not being mean to my former teammates, but I was one of those girls that made the team for my talent, not just for eye candy. I’m not saying that I was the greatest to ever cheer there, but I wasn’t the worst.
Anyway, I keep getting off the subject, I really did like him, and people knew I did, but I don’t know if HE did. I attempted to tell him one night after the Winter sports awards thing his senior year. I tried, but when I opened my mouth the corniest of corny phrases came out and it just cause a whole lot of awkwardness. But I just wanted him to know how I feel. I’m so shy thought; I mean he’s my friend on both Facebook pages, and I could tell him in a message at any time, but I just can’t. I’m scared, mainly because I can’t approach him like I do other guys. I don’t think I could use my usual tactics, being extremely flirty with my eyes, or dressing a lil sexier. Those things wont work, I know, I tried them in high school and FAILED!!! I guess if I wanted him to take me seriously I would have to come at him as just me. No smoke, no mirrors, just a more mature me. I don’t know how though. He is yet to install Honesty Box, and I doubt he reads my blog since he clearly states on his profile that he “doesn’t read”. What should I do? I really think this is more than a crush; I really wanna get to know him. Let him tell me about himself, and vice versa.
So yeah, I would like to say to him, he knows who he is, just send me a message or something. I just want to talk to you…
Aww fuck it! He isn’t gonna read this, he’s too busy playing PS3 or something. I bet he don’t even know about this blog. He just added me cause I looked familiar or something. Anyway if he does, he knows what to do. Just on a friend level, nothing serious.