Life of the College Girl

Archive for the ‘mad’ Category

I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.

This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single.  It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve  experienced online.  This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again.  I saw this alias as a way of  being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.

So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy.  If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me.  That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name. 

I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years.  All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.

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I think I need to just settle with being single for right now, because obviously I keep attracting the wrong guys. I mean I have guys who treat me right and are very respectful, but the rest seem like the only want me for sex.

It happens all the time. I see a guy, he seems nice, we talk, we exchange numbers, we text/talk, he asks me about my sex life,and then he asks me to send him a “sexy picture”. I don’t and I stop talking to him. Up until recently, when I found my good sense, I used to tell these dudes about my sex life which would lead to them asking me about other stuff, but even now, when I refuse to talk about it, or refuse to bring it up, it still seems as though most of these guys are only looking for one thing. It pisses me off, because last time I checked I do not have “whore”,”slut”, or “jump off” written across my forehead or anywhere else on my body. I don’t dress like a hooker, I don’t speak like a hooker, I do nothing like a hooker, so why do these guys treat me this way? Maybe they think I’m not cute enough to be wifey. I mean I have personality, I’m really nice,and I’m not like a lot of other girls. I don’t wear make up, I wear my hair in a bun because I like wearing it in a bun, and I don’t dress like everyone else. I take chances and I have my own style. So I’m really thinking that it’s because I’m not as attractive. I think I’m pretty, but I also think that I’m unique and that’s why to the rest of society I’m not considered pretty.

If it’s not that, I honestly think it’s because of the video. I know I promised not to bring it up again, but I really think that could be a factor. People know that I’m that girl from that video and they treat me like a whore. That irritates that shit out of me. They don’t even try to get to know me. They just assume that I’m the way I am because of what they’ve seen and nothing else. That’s one of the reasons why I defend Kim Kardashian so much. These people who are saying things like she used her body to get where she is, that she’s talentless,and her only source of income is what she has inherited from her father don’t know anything about, and haven’t tried to. People call her a whore and a slut for what? Having sex with her then boyfriend? Ok then that means that every woman who has had sex with their boyfriend is a whore. Yeah she knew that it was being video taped but that doesn’t mean that she consented to it being released to the public. And yeah that dude told me he was going to be putting it on the internet, but I didn’t know he was videotaping me behind my back!!!

I’m sorry I’m just pissed off at people right now, mostly these guys who only see me as a sex object. I’m passed the video, I’m not losing sleep over it anymore, but I really think that since it was put back up(and to whoever put it back up, I hope Karma comes back to not only bite you in the ass, but tear your whole ass off!!), and since more people will be watching it that more and more guys, cute guys, will be coming up to me as though they’re trying to start a real relationship with me, to only ask me about my sexual experiences, and that “sexy picture”.

By the way, for all the guys that might be reading this….don’t ever in your life ask me for one of those, because if you do it means that you are asking me to delete your number out of my phone. I actually had 2 guys ask me for one in the past 2 days. One of them saw my tape and actually said to me that I could send him a sexy one because “it’s not going to be anything I haven’t seen already”. I was pissed off at that. I’m never talking to that guy again, because as I ran our convo back in my mind, he didn’t want me for anything more than sex.At least the other guy asked me what I liked to do for fun. I mean he seemed really nice until night before last when I couldn’t sleep and I texted him, and what did he text back? This is exactly what he wrote, right off of my phone.

…its the middle of the night and I’m feeling a little horny and I just wanted to see something that would help cool down…

I just met him last week, why am I treated like this? What type of vibe and I giving off. This is one of the reason why I’m slowly started to hate men. I’ve been trying so hard not to get to this point, but time after time they continue to do me wrong, no matter how nice I am, so I’m just going to start being a bitch to them. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I hurt they pride or they’re feelings, and I really wish one of them would put their hand on me for bruising their ego, I would kill them. I don’t care anymore. I have no respect for men anymore, because they have none for me,and until I find that one who wants to treat me right, my emotions will stay the same. I’m through with them.

…to change the way I see most black females, but the ones that I am in contact with aren’t really helping me change my views. I mean what the hell!!! I was in class today, and it was these two girls who sat in front of me. They kept looking back at me and whispering throughout the class(why were they able to do that? Because we were doing a writing assignment that required our textbook which they did not have). I tried to ignore it but every time I moved a limb one of them would look back and just look me up in down.

I’m not even going to lie, I went into my rude bitch mode for a split second when I pushed pass one of them without saying “excuse me”. Technically she pushed pass me so I was waiting on her, but anyway, I felt bad because honestly I don’t like being mean to people no matter how rude they are to me, so the next couple of times I had to walk passed her I said “excuse me”. Never got a response though, she even had her foot hanging off the seat and she would watch me every time I walked pass. They would laugh when my big fat ass would accidentally bump a desk(my butt isn’t huge, but it’s enough to give me problems through small spaces. Plus I’m a lil clumsy.). And I think they were talking about my physique at one point,by the hand gestures it seemed like they were talking about my gut. After I finished my writing assignment, I went to put my stuff in my over-sized Dereon bag. Once again, one of them looked back and gave me a dirty look. By the way, I know this is off the subject, but I was Dereon’d out today. Everything except the shoes and the jeans (their jeans don’t fit over my thighs). Anyway,at the end of class when I talking to my teacher about my homework assignment, I heard them giggling as I spoke, but tried to tune most of it out.

OK first things first, last time I checked we were in college, not high school. What they were doing was very childish, and out of line. Even if you don’t have your materials, you can’t be acting like that in class. I believe that both of them are older than me by at least a year, that maturity does not show. If I was the scene causing bitch that I was in high school, I would of told them off and called them out in class, but I’m not trying to start any drama with anyone and risk getting kicked out of class. I’m not there for drama, I’m there to get my grades and get a full scholarship to the 4 year college of my choice. So I kept my mouth shut, as bad as I wanted to say something…i didn’t.

But what is it? What did I ever do to them? They don’t even know me and they’re doing this stuff. I hate to say it but, both of them were darker than me. I’m not trying to make a general assumption about the light skin-dark skin topic, just telling the truth. They were both darker than me by at least to shades. They were both smaller than me in size, one was somewhat curvy, but I still had her beat, and the other was just a ruler shape. I’m going to be honest and say that they are both beautiful women, and one of them dresses very nicely. It’s just that it seems like they have that typical “black girl from the hood” stank attitude. They seem rude, judgmental, hypocritical, and confrontational. Just down right ghetto, and I’mma be real, that’s how I usually see dark skin females acting. Not to say that lighter skin women don’t act that way, because they do. I mean don’t get me pissed or my Portsmouth/Norfolk might start to come out. And when I mean come out, I mean my whole personality changes, especially my accent. When that deep country accent comes out, you know you in trouble. But that’s rare, it’s not my all the time personality. But I see black women acting like that all the time.

I’ve made some progress in trying to see black women in a better light. Seeing that all are not the same. Despite what was said on Rate My Professor, my African American studies teacher is very sweet, she kinda reminds me of my step-mother which really isn’t a bad thing anymore. I look at women like Michele Obama who is the complete opposite of my assumptions. I believe that she will become a fashion icon, if she isn’t already. I love the way she dresses, she’s so fierce! That was off topic, but still I loves her! She is what the definition of a strong black woman. She is someone that every young women should look up to. She is poised and well spoken for, and she proves to the world that not all AA women are ghetto.

But even still I’m getting a lot of mess from women, black and white. Is it just be rude to Claudy week or something, because when I was going to get my prescription filled today the lady at the drop off counter was really rude to me. Both of them actually. When one came to help me I noticed her smile turned to a frown when she saw me,and when she asked the other one if they had my medication she said “no” and gave me an evil look. So I went to another pharmacy. This time it was a white lady. I bet she thought that I was going to pull a gun out of my purse or something but she looked scared as hell when I went to get my prescription out my bag. After I gave her my script she didn’t anything else except when it would be ready. That reminds me, I gotta go pick that up. I’ll do it after I finish this.

Earlier in the week, on Monday, I decided that I wanted to treat myself to some ice cream. I was in a really bad mood,and I thought some Coldstone would make me happy. Well it was right before closing when I walked in, and I was greeted by these two black girls who looked like they were around my age. The usual smile to frown happened, but I just shook it off and started looking at what I wanted. While I was debating I could hear them talking about me. Keep in mind I was the only on in line and one of them was long finished serving the customer before me, yet I waited there for like 10 minutes for my order. I ended up leaving because I knew since I was already in a bad mood I was going to cause a scene, and I didn’t want to get kicked out of that Coldstone since my mom and I go there from time to time. When I was leaving I they said “bye” and just started laughing.

What is so funny about me? Why do I make women frown. Why are they women who do these things flat chested? I’m not trying to be mean to flat chested women but one of my guy friends once told me that some flat chested women may be rude to larger chested women because they are jealous. I don’t think that is true. Why would you be jealous of big titties? Oh yeah, it’s great not being able to fit into shirts right or having to buy grandma bras because the cute ones don’t support you. Of course, all women want to go through that!

But for real, do I come off as stuck up? I mean I smile when I talk and when I see someone I know, but my normal face is a Posh-esque evil look. I don’t know and I’m starting not to care. If you don’t like me for no reason then you have problems, not me. I never did anything to you, I don’t even know you like that, so for you to not like me or just be rude to me for no reason is just dumb….wait a minute. I just caught myself being a hypocrite! I say that people who judge people they don’t know have problems, but I do that to a lot of black women….so that means I have problems too. I think I just called myself a dumbass….damn. That needs to be fixed….

Luv Ya!

Hi all! So I just got done doing my African American Studies homework. Basically all I had to do was read the book and answers some question, and just like any other lazy ass college student, I just read the sections that had to do with the questions and skipped the rest of the chapter. However,as I was flipping through the chapter on the Middle Passage, I came across a section about African women on the slave ships. How they were forced to have sex with European men, because they thought that African women were less valuable than the men. This was because one these ships, slave women were worth half the price of slave men, and the European men thought that this made it ok for them to abuse these women.

First thing that popped into my head was the Jezebel stereotype. If you don’t know what that is….Google it…lol. Naw, I’m going to be nice and tell you. A “Jezebel” is a loose woman, usually a black woman, who craves sex all the time. This stereotype was created by European men who went to Africa.

The next thing was the obvious, the way black women are portrayed in music, movies, television,and other forms of entertainment. How music by black artist has always been raunchier and more sexually driven (well I should say more straight forward when it comes to sex.) than any other type of music. Rap music videos disgust me now (well except for Soulja Boi’s “Donk” video, that’s kinda funny and I don’t even like Soulja Boi.). All you see is ass to the camera. What else is this girl supposed to do if the song calls for ass to the camera? If you search online, you can find girls talking about sleeping with celebrities. Talking about how long,or short he was, and being proud of it. It’s something called groupie confessions, and don’t get me started with Supahead….

The next thing to come to my mind, which I believe has something to do with the second thing, was the black community. What I see everyday. Females younger than me with 2 and 3 babies, dressing in the shortest and tightest clothing available. I work across the street from a night that had a teen night every week, and I would just be shocked at the way these young girls would dress. I mean my mother wouldn’t have let me leave my room in some of the thing these chicks are wearing. Young girls are having sex and getting pregnant at younger ages. I’m not even going to lie I had my first “sexual experience” at 12. I didn’t have sex, it was just an “experience”, and that was the one and only time up until I was like 16. There are children out here having sex starting at age 8. I won’t thinking about no sex at age 8! I didn’t even think I liked boys at age 8…..did I? I don’t know, but I know I won’t thinking about fucking them!

Black colleges have the highest rates of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Being an eye witness myself,and also being one who has gotten caught up in this,I can see why. All they want to do if fuck! It’s crazy. Even the phrase “Chill” doesn’t have the same meaning anymore. If a guy wants to “chill” with a girl…..it mean he wants to have sex with her. No one sent me the email on this definition change so I found myself in many awkward situations.

Anyway back to the music. Most rap songs and r&b songs are about sex. It’s always been that way. Think about,I bet you can name 3 without thinking. So I actually don’t want you to think about it……..anyway, you can name 3.

But for real, why do we continue to up hold these stereotypes about ourselves? Do we not know? Us as black people are very sexual people, it’s in our history. Think about it….it’s everywhere. And it’s not only us but hispanics as well, and asians! Why are we always portrayed as sex things, and sometimes nothing more? Video girls are chosen for their body parts, and yeah people like Buffy and Deelishis might be the leading lady in a music video, but that’s it. People only see them as video hoochies and that’s a shame. I actually like Deelishis single “rumpshaker”, it’s actually on my mp3 player right now. I think one of the reason why it didn’t get as much play is because many people saw her as a talking ass from a reality show.

Yet, young black men will still have her and any other video model’s King or Smooth Girl cover hanging on their wall versus a picture of Michele Obama. And what is this teaching our young girls? That they have to literally show their ass to get attention? That you gotta look like a hooker to get a man’s attention? It’s ridiculous!! Ok,ok, I know in recent entries I’ve written about how these same images have affected me in a negative way, but that is what I was looking at all the time. I wanted to model, and at the time when you looked up black modeling agencies you found agencies that catered to women who look like Buffy, and I thought that in order to break into the industry, to get people to notice me, I had to look like that.

Basically this all comes down to the old phrase “sex sells”. And it does, and just like any luxury item, it is being advertised mostly to the black community through it’s own people. I know there are people who would debate that I am the last person who should be writing on this subject,especially some of those who went to MSU, but I believe that more than anyone else I should be speaking on this subject and how wrong it it. Yeah, I made a mistake and in the process actually gave more truth to the old Jezebel stereotype, but I have grown past that and now realize that a lot of the things I was doing was not right and was quite degrading to black women, and that incident just knocked some sense into me and made me clean my act up. And now that I’m seeing this subject a little bit clearer, I see now that these things are not right and should be fixed, and I am willing to do my part to fix it.

Luv Ya!!!

Oh yeah, and if you want to read more about this Jezebel Stereotype….click here. It’s very interesting…

Before I start, I just want to Let ya’ll know that I started a Claudette Jameson Facebook page. I’m trying to keep Brit and Claudy separate. So you all on Sisterlicious can add me if you like, as well as anyone else on Facebook.

Anyway, I was reading my comments today, and I saw that I had one under the one I made about my weight…the most recent one. I also had one one Sisterlicious (I really need to find a way to abbreviate that if I’m going to be writing it all the time…I’ll think of something). And it got me to thinking. Is someone’s insecurites and self-esteem issues really that obvious to people? I mean as much as I try to pretend like I don’t have those issues in public, and I act as though I very confident, can people really see through that?

I just recently admitted to myself that my esteem wasn’t so great, and I’ve been trying to fix it. But as much as I try to tell myself that I’m gorgeous and no one can compete with me, as soon as that one chick or the one couple walks past I go back to my old ways. I go back to being that “well if I looked like her I would have him” person.

It always comes back to the way men see me. I want they’re attention. It’s the only thing that will make me happy. If a guy is looking at her and not me, I get jealous. It’s always been that way, so I would go to extremes to get them to pay attention to me. I would do anything, what ever they wanted almost to get that attention. That ended up getting me in trouble and what was behind my incident in college. I didn’t care who it was I just wanted that attention, I wanted all eyes on me, I wanted what I thought was love.

I know ya’ll would be quick to say that I had daddy issues…..and you might just have hit the nail on the head. I mean I never thought I did since my father was in my life, but then I realized something. My father very rarely said he loved me. I don’t think it’s because he didn’t, actually I don’t know why, but it’s like he only says it after we have a long phone conversation, or if I was having some trouble. Other than that…rarely.

But other than that what would make me act this way. Even now, I cautious about who I am intimate with, and I still haven’t had sex with anyone, but I’m known as a tease to a lot of guys because of what I do with them. Even though a lot of guys have treated me badly, actually most of them have treated me just as bad or even worse than women, I still want to be around them. I don’t hate men. After all the mental, physical,and emotional abuse. After being taken advantage of numerous time, I don’t hate them. I mean I don’t like lames, but I don’t hate them. I don’t have that anger towards them like I do with most women. What is up?!?!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand,is low self-esteem really that obvious? Even when you try to hide it, can people really see through that? How can I improve my self esteem? How can I be more confident in myself? I know it won’t happen overnight, but is there exercises you can do? Something like standing in the mirror and talking to myself? I just want to be normal, I’m not suppose to be like this…..

Ok, so as you all know….or if you don’t know already. I have gained weight. I hate to admit it, but I have to face it. Anyway, I think that my ballooning is preventing me from finding that guy that I want.

I remember hearing that in order to find a guy with the traits you want, you gotta have some of those traits yourself…something like that. I think I have some of the traits that I want in a guy. I want a cute guy…I’m cute, actually I’m very very cute…anyway, I like athletic guys, I love to workout…..

Hold up. Do you think it’s because they don’t think I workout as much as I actually do? I mean on a good day I can workout for like 3 hours, but it’s just that I eat like the 1,000 pound man. They should be lucky I do work out or I would be 300 by now with the way I eat.

I have to admit, even though I really don’t care what females think of me, I do care what guys think of me. Another thing that I have to work on, and I hate it when dudes think that I’m unattractive because I don’t have a child’s size waist and a fat ass, and that takes a toll on me. I mean I believe that I am very attractive from the neck up, but from the neck down I have really bad body issues and it is because of me caring about how I think these very shallow men see me.

Not to say that I don’t have a great personality. My personality is the greatest, I don’t think I have to worry too much about things like that. Not that I don’t have to improve on them, but those are things that have always been positive traits of mine. I’ve always been cute, I’ve always had a great personality, but I’ve never had a great body, and I think that is what people focus on the most.

And that pisses me off. Why must people be so shallow? Why can’t they just except people for who they are on the inside? Why must men be so shallow, and base wether or not they have a relationship with a female off of how their body looks and how good they are in bed? Do they not know the toll these things take on females like me. When I used to watch music videos, I would compare myself to the girls in these videos. Some of my readers from when I was on Blogger might remember my weight loss blog. Me wanting a “Video Vixen’s Body”. I would do anything to look like them. Small waist, big boob, and big butt. Even if it meant not eating , eating once a day, or trying to make myself vomit after eating. I wanted to look like that.

As of right now I take laxatives. It’s not a regular thing, just on the days I eat fast food to help with my digestion. But it’s dieter’s tea so…..yeah.

I’m so glad that school is starting, I’ll have less time to watch tv and focus more on my school work. I believe that the media has effected the way I see myself, just like a lot of young women my age. But instead of stick figures, it’s the curvy women, the Kim Kardshians and the Beyonce’s. People who are suppose to represent the shapes of “real women” even though most Americans are over weight….right. Though women like Kim and Bey are healthy motivation for me, I’ll willing to go the drastic measures to look like them because I know that after I lose some weight I will….

Anyway, even though I’m sitting here writing this long ass “woes is me” sob story, that doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything about it. I’ve cut out my late night Taco Bell trips(actually my reason for that wasn’t for my health, but because this guy who has been stalking me kinda works there late night now…soooo I’m trying to avoid him.), I don’t eat fast food like I used to. The fridge in my room is filled with fruit, applesauce, water, yogurt,and G2, and I signed up for pilates class at school. On top of that,I’m still going walking during the week.

I tend to lose weight while I’m in school anyway so I should be back down to my normal weight in a couple of weeks. Just stay away from the candy at work and I’ll be good….

Luv ya!

Ok I’ve been reading the comments that I have been getting on my last post,both on here ans Sisterlicious, and I think we are having a misunderstanding.

I wasn’t bashing darker skinned women when I was writing this. I was just observing what I saw. I’m not saying that all dark skinned women hate light skinned women, there were a couple of lighter skinned women who were rude to me as well. If you read my entry about not liking most black women, you know that I am trying to change the way that I view black women, and change the way that I act around them.

Someone on Sisterlicous said that my “flaking personality” is the reason why they were the way they were towards me. To her I say….what are you talking about? I am nice to everyone who walks into my job regardless. Even in the past, when I would shy away from interacting with the black women who walked in, I would still put on a smile and be friendly and help them. No matter how they treated me. Not only because it was part of my job, but because that’s how I am. That’s my personality, I’m a nice person!!! I smile when I talk for crying out loud!!!! The only thing flaky about me is, or was, my scalp…..

And about that. See sly remarks like that is one of the reasons why I’m not close with black women,or women in general. I can’t stand cattiness, for no reason. Just because you don’t agree with me you have to point out flaws?

Anyway, about me being a “Sociologist”. I say that not because I have a degree (because I don’t), or because I was majoring in it, but because if you really think about it everyone is a sociologist. Sociology is the study of human society. The study of people, and you don’t have to go to college to do that. Shit, you were being a Sociologist by trying to tell me about myself. Everyone is born a Sociologist if they like it or not, so yes I am a Sociologist.

What Else? But yeah, I wasn’t trying to hurt feelings with that entry, and if I did I apologize for that. I was just telling you what I saw. And no I am not the lightest leaf on the tree, but I am light enough to have someone in my past dislike me because of it. Like I said before, I’m trying to change the way I see black women, but with my past it’s hard. Me going out of my way to greet every black woman who walked in wasn’t an experiment. It was challenge, maybe more of a goal for me. It was supposed to help me change the way I think of black women, help me realize that not all of them are the same. That a lot aren’t loud, ghetto, mean, untrustworthy,and everything else that I thought most black women were. And for the most part it worked. Today, all the black women that I greeted, with the exception of one, were really nice. And the one that wasn’t…..was my complexion!!!

But for real, this might of been my fault as well. My regulars know that I tend to ramble on within my entries, so the light skinned V. dark skinned lil essay I wrote really didn’t have that much to do with what happened while at work. Yeah, it triggered my thoughts, but this came from me watching and reading about this issue for a couple of years. It was on Tyra Show, it’s all over various forums that target black people, it’s in a lot of places, so if you really think about it I was basically beating a dead horse. The entry was my view on the issue as a whole.

So once again, I would like to apologize if I offended anyone. Like all my other entries I was just speaking my mind.