Life of the College Girl

Archive for the ‘Stress’ Category

I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.

This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single.  It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve  experienced online.  This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again.  I saw this alias as a way of  being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.

So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy.  If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me.  That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name. 

I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years.  All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.

I think I need to just settle with being single for right now, because obviously I keep attracting the wrong guys. I mean I have guys who treat me right and are very respectful, but the rest seem like the only want me for sex.

It happens all the time. I see a guy, he seems nice, we talk, we exchange numbers, we text/talk, he asks me about my sex life,and then he asks me to send him a “sexy picture”. I don’t and I stop talking to him. Up until recently, when I found my good sense, I used to tell these dudes about my sex life which would lead to them asking me about other stuff, but even now, when I refuse to talk about it, or refuse to bring it up, it still seems as though most of these guys are only looking for one thing. It pisses me off, because last time I checked I do not have “whore”,”slut”, or “jump off” written across my forehead or anywhere else on my body. I don’t dress like a hooker, I don’t speak like a hooker, I do nothing like a hooker, so why do these guys treat me this way? Maybe they think I’m not cute enough to be wifey. I mean I have personality, I’m really nice,and I’m not like a lot of other girls. I don’t wear make up, I wear my hair in a bun because I like wearing it in a bun, and I don’t dress like everyone else. I take chances and I have my own style. So I’m really thinking that it’s because I’m not as attractive. I think I’m pretty, but I also think that I’m unique and that’s why to the rest of society I’m not considered pretty.

If it’s not that, I honestly think it’s because of the video. I know I promised not to bring it up again, but I really think that could be a factor. People know that I’m that girl from that video and they treat me like a whore. That irritates that shit out of me. They don’t even try to get to know me. They just assume that I’m the way I am because of what they’ve seen and nothing else. That’s one of the reasons why I defend Kim Kardashian so much. These people who are saying things like she used her body to get where she is, that she’s talentless,and her only source of income is what she has inherited from her father don’t know anything about, and haven’t tried to. People call her a whore and a slut for what? Having sex with her then boyfriend? Ok then that means that every woman who has had sex with their boyfriend is a whore. Yeah she knew that it was being video taped but that doesn’t mean that she consented to it being released to the public. And yeah that dude told me he was going to be putting it on the internet, but I didn’t know he was videotaping me behind my back!!!

I’m sorry I’m just pissed off at people right now, mostly these guys who only see me as a sex object. I’m passed the video, I’m not losing sleep over it anymore, but I really think that since it was put back up(and to whoever put it back up, I hope Karma comes back to not only bite you in the ass, but tear your whole ass off!!), and since more people will be watching it that more and more guys, cute guys, will be coming up to me as though they’re trying to start a real relationship with me, to only ask me about my sexual experiences, and that “sexy picture”.

By the way, for all the guys that might be reading this….don’t ever in your life ask me for one of those, because if you do it means that you are asking me to delete your number out of my phone. I actually had 2 guys ask me for one in the past 2 days. One of them saw my tape and actually said to me that I could send him a sexy one because “it’s not going to be anything I haven’t seen already”. I was pissed off at that. I’m never talking to that guy again, because as I ran our convo back in my mind, he didn’t want me for anything more than sex.At least the other guy asked me what I liked to do for fun. I mean he seemed really nice until night before last when I couldn’t sleep and I texted him, and what did he text back? This is exactly what he wrote, right off of my phone.

…its the middle of the night and I’m feeling a little horny and I just wanted to see something that would help cool down…

I just met him last week, why am I treated like this? What type of vibe and I giving off. This is one of the reason why I’m slowly started to hate men. I’ve been trying so hard not to get to this point, but time after time they continue to do me wrong, no matter how nice I am, so I’m just going to start being a bitch to them. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I hurt they pride or they’re feelings, and I really wish one of them would put their hand on me for bruising their ego, I would kill them. I don’t care anymore. I have no respect for men anymore, because they have none for me,and until I find that one who wants to treat me right, my emotions will stay the same. I’m through with them.

Hi all! So I just got done doing my African American Studies homework. Basically all I had to do was read the book and answers some question, and just like any other lazy ass college student, I just read the sections that had to do with the questions and skipped the rest of the chapter. However,as I was flipping through the chapter on the Middle Passage, I came across a section about African women on the slave ships. How they were forced to have sex with European men, because they thought that African women were less valuable than the men. This was because one these ships, slave women were worth half the price of slave men, and the European men thought that this made it ok for them to abuse these women.

First thing that popped into my head was the Jezebel stereotype. If you don’t know what that is….Google it…lol. Naw, I’m going to be nice and tell you. A “Jezebel” is a loose woman, usually a black woman, who craves sex all the time. This stereotype was created by European men who went to Africa.

The next thing was the obvious, the way black women are portrayed in music, movies, television,and other forms of entertainment. How music by black artist has always been raunchier and more sexually driven (well I should say more straight forward when it comes to sex.) than any other type of music. Rap music videos disgust me now (well except for Soulja Boi’s “Donk” video, that’s kinda funny and I don’t even like Soulja Boi.). All you see is ass to the camera. What else is this girl supposed to do if the song calls for ass to the camera? If you search online, you can find girls talking about sleeping with celebrities. Talking about how long,or short he was, and being proud of it. It’s something called groupie confessions, and don’t get me started with Supahead….

The next thing to come to my mind, which I believe has something to do with the second thing, was the black community. What I see everyday. Females younger than me with 2 and 3 babies, dressing in the shortest and tightest clothing available. I work across the street from a night that had a teen night every week, and I would just be shocked at the way these young girls would dress. I mean my mother wouldn’t have let me leave my room in some of the thing these chicks are wearing. Young girls are having sex and getting pregnant at younger ages. I’m not even going to lie I had my first “sexual experience” at 12. I didn’t have sex, it was just an “experience”, and that was the one and only time up until I was like 16. There are children out here having sex starting at age 8. I won’t thinking about no sex at age 8! I didn’t even think I liked boys at age 8…..did I? I don’t know, but I know I won’t thinking about fucking them!

Black colleges have the highest rates of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Being an eye witness myself,and also being one who has gotten caught up in this,I can see why. All they want to do if fuck! It’s crazy. Even the phrase “Chill” doesn’t have the same meaning anymore. If a guy wants to “chill” with a girl…..it mean he wants to have sex with her. No one sent me the email on this definition change so I found myself in many awkward situations.

Anyway back to the music. Most rap songs and r&b songs are about sex. It’s always been that way. Think about,I bet you can name 3 without thinking. So I actually don’t want you to think about it……..anyway, you can name 3.

But for real, why do we continue to up hold these stereotypes about ourselves? Do we not know? Us as black people are very sexual people, it’s in our history. Think about it….it’s everywhere. And it’s not only us but hispanics as well, and asians! Why are we always portrayed as sex things, and sometimes nothing more? Video girls are chosen for their body parts, and yeah people like Buffy and Deelishis might be the leading lady in a music video, but that’s it. People only see them as video hoochies and that’s a shame. I actually like Deelishis single “rumpshaker”, it’s actually on my mp3 player right now. I think one of the reason why it didn’t get as much play is because many people saw her as a talking ass from a reality show.

Yet, young black men will still have her and any other video model’s King or Smooth Girl cover hanging on their wall versus a picture of Michele Obama. And what is this teaching our young girls? That they have to literally show their ass to get attention? That you gotta look like a hooker to get a man’s attention? It’s ridiculous!! Ok,ok, I know in recent entries I’ve written about how these same images have affected me in a negative way, but that is what I was looking at all the time. I wanted to model, and at the time when you looked up black modeling agencies you found agencies that catered to women who look like Buffy, and I thought that in order to break into the industry, to get people to notice me, I had to look like that.

Basically this all comes down to the old phrase “sex sells”. And it does, and just like any luxury item, it is being advertised mostly to the black community through it’s own people. I know there are people who would debate that I am the last person who should be writing on this subject,especially some of those who went to MSU, but I believe that more than anyone else I should be speaking on this subject and how wrong it it. Yeah, I made a mistake and in the process actually gave more truth to the old Jezebel stereotype, but I have grown past that and now realize that a lot of the things I was doing was not right and was quite degrading to black women, and that incident just knocked some sense into me and made me clean my act up. And now that I’m seeing this subject a little bit clearer, I see now that these things are not right and should be fixed, and I am willing to do my part to fix it.

Luv Ya!!!

Oh yeah, and if you want to read more about this Jezebel Stereotype….click here. It’s very interesting…

Before I start, I just want to Let ya’ll know that I started a Claudette Jameson Facebook page. I’m trying to keep Brit and Claudy separate. So you all on Sisterlicious can add me if you like, as well as anyone else on Facebook.

Anyway, I was reading my comments today, and I saw that I had one under the one I made about my weight…the most recent one. I also had one one Sisterlicious (I really need to find a way to abbreviate that if I’m going to be writing it all the time…I’ll think of something). And it got me to thinking. Is someone’s insecurites and self-esteem issues really that obvious to people? I mean as much as I try to pretend like I don’t have those issues in public, and I act as though I very confident, can people really see through that?

I just recently admitted to myself that my esteem wasn’t so great, and I’ve been trying to fix it. But as much as I try to tell myself that I’m gorgeous and no one can compete with me, as soon as that one chick or the one couple walks past I go back to my old ways. I go back to being that “well if I looked like her I would have him” person.

It always comes back to the way men see me. I want they’re attention. It’s the only thing that will make me happy. If a guy is looking at her and not me, I get jealous. It’s always been that way, so I would go to extremes to get them to pay attention to me. I would do anything, what ever they wanted almost to get that attention. That ended up getting me in trouble and what was behind my incident in college. I didn’t care who it was I just wanted that attention, I wanted all eyes on me, I wanted what I thought was love.

I know ya’ll would be quick to say that I had daddy issues…..and you might just have hit the nail on the head. I mean I never thought I did since my father was in my life, but then I realized something. My father very rarely said he loved me. I don’t think it’s because he didn’t, actually I don’t know why, but it’s like he only says it after we have a long phone conversation, or if I was having some trouble. Other than that…rarely.

But other than that what would make me act this way. Even now, I cautious about who I am intimate with, and I still haven’t had sex with anyone, but I’m known as a tease to a lot of guys because of what I do with them. Even though a lot of guys have treated me badly, actually most of them have treated me just as bad or even worse than women, I still want to be around them. I don’t hate men. After all the mental, physical,and emotional abuse. After being taken advantage of numerous time, I don’t hate them. I mean I don’t like lames, but I don’t hate them. I don’t have that anger towards them like I do with most women. What is up?!?!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand,is low self-esteem really that obvious? Even when you try to hide it, can people really see through that? How can I improve my self esteem? How can I be more confident in myself? I know it won’t happen overnight, but is there exercises you can do? Something like standing in the mirror and talking to myself? I just want to be normal, I’m not suppose to be like this…..

Ok, so as you all know….or if you don’t know already. I have gained weight. I hate to admit it, but I have to face it. Anyway, I think that my ballooning is preventing me from finding that guy that I want.

I remember hearing that in order to find a guy with the traits you want, you gotta have some of those traits yourself…something like that. I think I have some of the traits that I want in a guy. I want a cute guy…I’m cute, actually I’m very very cute…anyway, I like athletic guys, I love to workout…..

Hold up. Do you think it’s because they don’t think I workout as much as I actually do? I mean on a good day I can workout for like 3 hours, but it’s just that I eat like the 1,000 pound man. They should be lucky I do work out or I would be 300 by now with the way I eat.

I have to admit, even though I really don’t care what females think of me, I do care what guys think of me. Another thing that I have to work on, and I hate it when dudes think that I’m unattractive because I don’t have a child’s size waist and a fat ass, and that takes a toll on me. I mean I believe that I am very attractive from the neck up, but from the neck down I have really bad body issues and it is because of me caring about how I think these very shallow men see me.

Not to say that I don’t have a great personality. My personality is the greatest, I don’t think I have to worry too much about things like that. Not that I don’t have to improve on them, but those are things that have always been positive traits of mine. I’ve always been cute, I’ve always had a great personality, but I’ve never had a great body, and I think that is what people focus on the most.

And that pisses me off. Why must people be so shallow? Why can’t they just except people for who they are on the inside? Why must men be so shallow, and base wether or not they have a relationship with a female off of how their body looks and how good they are in bed? Do they not know the toll these things take on females like me. When I used to watch music videos, I would compare myself to the girls in these videos. Some of my readers from when I was on Blogger might remember my weight loss blog. Me wanting a “Video Vixen’s Body”. I would do anything to look like them. Small waist, big boob, and big butt. Even if it meant not eating , eating once a day, or trying to make myself vomit after eating. I wanted to look like that.

As of right now I take laxatives. It’s not a regular thing, just on the days I eat fast food to help with my digestion. But it’s dieter’s tea so…..yeah.

I’m so glad that school is starting, I’ll have less time to watch tv and focus more on my school work. I believe that the media has effected the way I see myself, just like a lot of young women my age. But instead of stick figures, it’s the curvy women, the Kim Kardshians and the Beyonce’s. People who are suppose to represent the shapes of “real women” even though most Americans are over weight….right. Though women like Kim and Bey are healthy motivation for me, I’ll willing to go the drastic measures to look like them because I know that after I lose some weight I will….

Anyway, even though I’m sitting here writing this long ass “woes is me” sob story, that doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything about it. I’ve cut out my late night Taco Bell trips(actually my reason for that wasn’t for my health, but because this guy who has been stalking me kinda works there late night now…soooo I’m trying to avoid him.), I don’t eat fast food like I used to. The fridge in my room is filled with fruit, applesauce, water, yogurt,and G2, and I signed up for pilates class at school. On top of that,I’m still going walking during the week.

I tend to lose weight while I’m in school anyway so I should be back down to my normal weight in a couple of weeks. Just stay away from the candy at work and I’ll be good….

Luv ya!

It’s time for me to admit it. I can’t hold it back anymore, I do not like most black women. I say most, because I have a few black female friends that I can relate to and aren’t so quick to judge me and I love them for that. But the rest, like if I don’t actually get to know them, I think that they are all the same and I shy away from interacting with them. It’s not like I’m happy being this way, because I’m not. I hate being this way, it’s like how can I dislike what I am? It’s ridiculous, i know, but let tell you what led me to thinking this way.

Not Your Average Lil Black Girl
Well, before my neighborhood became “da hood” again, it was a very pleasant neighborhood, and a lot of white people lived their,thus making my first 2 best friends white girls. I never really related to black girls. We didn’t dress the same, didn’t listen to the same type of music, I just wasn’t your typical lil black girl.

Middle School
It wasn’t until middle school that I got my first black best friend (if things would of went as planned I could of added “/ step-sister” to that, but that’s another story). Actually I have a whole group of black female friends in middle school. I soon realized that most of them weren’t really my friends at all. One ended up telling just about the whole entire school about an intimate incident that happened with me and this guy I had a crush on. I didn’t think she realized it at the time, but that ended up following me all the way up to high school and triggered a chain of rumors about me and various sports team, which were never true. But I’ll talk about that when I get there. Within the group of friend that I had, there were girls who hated me, for what? I have no idea, but they did. 2 of them I ended up fighting. One of them I ended up fighting twice. Another girl in the group of my so-called friends, got mad at me over something and ended up calling me a hoe among other things. Basically by the time I left middle school I only had 2 of the about 10 friends that I began with.

High School
High school was worse. I started out the school year the bad girl…lol. Really I was, but I was also a Flag Girl. The summer before I started my freshman year I tried out for my high school’s flag team, and ended up getting the highest score in auditions. Nobody on the team knew I was a freshman though…I thought that was funny. Anyway there were these 2 females,black, who just used to give me a hard time for no reason. They would just be rude to me, one of them was captain and she just treated me like dirt. Her and her sidekick. The next year I ended up quitting the flag team, not because of them, but because that wasn’t where my heart was, it was in cheerleading.

Cheerleading
So I became a cheerleader, I didn’t think that they would be some of the cattiest chicks on earth. I spent 3.5 years cheering. My freshman year, because of flag, I didn’t begin cheering until basketball season. I made Varsity. That first half year wasn’t really that bad,I got along with almost everyone. There was this one girl who thought that I was trying to talk to her boyfriend, she ended up disliking me for all 3.5 years.

My second year cheering I was on Junior Varsity, I assume because I let my grades slip, but I made captain. That summer during camp, I became acquainted with some of the football players. By acquainted I mean one of them was trying to get me into their car after practice one day. For what? I have….a clue, but I had a boyfriend at the time so I wasn’t going anywhere with him. Later that night I get a called from one of the cheerleaders asking me about that same dude. They must of seen me talking with him earlier. They asked me if I thought he was cute, and I said yes, just thinking at the time that it was harmless girl talk. The next day at practice, everyone was pissed at everyone,and most of them were pissed at me. I later found out that they thought that I had sex with this guy. I didn’t,but I don’t know why they would get up set at me, 50% of the team slept with him. I never did, he wasn’t my type…lol.I believe that this incident is the reason why the next 3 years were filled with hostility.

The Step Team
The Step Team never liked me. Wait, I can’t lie, I was kinda cool with a few of them starting out, but then there was an incident where this guy was trying to talk to me, but dating a girl on the step team at the same time, and they just all ganged up on me at a football game. I mean this didn’t even concern them, and they came at me like they wanted to fight me. As you would assume, they were all black. The accused me of “rubbing my chest on him” I gave the dude a hug, I’m sorry I just can’t take my DD breast off when I hug dudes, but they’re going to touch him when I hug him…it’s uncontrollable.

There was also an incident my freshman year when 2 of them wanted to jump because of an incident that happened in middle school. That thing that I said my friend told everyone about. They tried to tell me it wasn’t true (technically it wasn’t, but for the most part it was), but I wasn’t trying to hear that, so the threaten to jump me.

The Rumors
I honestly don’t know how the rumors about me and the Football and Basketball teams started. Ok,maybe the basketball one. I had a crush on one of the players and would of did anything to get next to him, but as for the football team. I didn’t like them, they didn’t like me, so how the hell did I sleep with them? Plus they never won a game!!!! C’mon now, if I’mma sleep with a whole team, it would be one with a state ring. Or at least one that qualified for districts. If I wanted to sleep with a whole team I would of went down the street to Landstown. But I wasn’t like that, so I didn’t.

Basketball team however, our bball team was good. There were a couple of cute guys on our team. By a couple I mean 98%,and the other 2% weren’t even ugly, they just weren’t as desirable. Even the coach was fine. If I was loose like people said I was I would of been in the locker room butt naked after school waiting on them. But I was way too shy in high school to do something like that. I mean I didn’t have a crush on the star player, who didn’t? But mine lasted all of the 3 years I went to school with him, up until now. I think I wrote a entry about the last time I saw him a couple of months ago. I almost passed out. I wonder if he’s reading this, if so, I wouldn’t mind dating him..hint hint…hit me up on Facebook….lol!

College Freshman
As you all know, I decided to go to an HBCU. You all know what happened at this HBCU, if you don’t, check my archives. Anyway, this is when I actually started trusting some black women again. I gained so many friends, so much support,and on top of that both of my favorite teachers were black females. My roommate, I love her. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met,and to be honest I was kinda nervous at first about sharing a room with another girl, because of my past. However, I had a lot of females who were just out to hurt me. If you read back to some of my post from February, the comments and everything. Most of them were from black females and most of them were so mean. They would act as though they are completely immune from making terrible mistakes. They would say some of the harshest things to me, and it would hurt because those were my own people. Young Black females, just like me and they were saying some of the rudest things. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have been mad at me, hell I was mad at me, but all the name calling was completely out of hand,especially since most of them were just as bad as me.

If you read some of my older entries you could see that I had a lot of hatred towards my own race. At that time, I really did hate my race, and was ashamed of being a black women just because of the way they treated me. On top of all that, one of my older sisters cut me off completely. And that hurt more than anything. To think that I ruined my relationship with one of my own siblings, one that was already on the rocks.

As of Right Now…
I have a female friend that I feel really close to. She’s black,and I feel like I can relate to her. She doesn’t know about how I feel,but I think it’s becoming more obvious seeing the way I react with some of the black females that come into the store. Depending on their appearance , sometimes I would refuse to speak or even help them. It hurts me that I do these things. I’m not one of those people who are like “oh I hate blacks and I’m proud of it” I’m not. I want to change. That’s why I wrote this book on my life, so I can change and move on. Maybe with the help of you all.

I’m watching the preview to The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and they just seem so powerful and determined, and most of all…They have confidence in their selves. Something I really need to have. I need to start to love myself,and figure out the reasons why I am the way I am and how I can fix them. Then I can truly follow my dreams and become the successful I always wanted to be.

I ended up buying the domain name ClaudetteJameson.com? Just curious. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. Maybe after I get everything paid for school wise. Get my clothes and supplies and everything. Maybe I might just pay the annual $15 to make it official. What do you think?  I think it would bring a lil bit more traffic to the blog. Not that I’m trying to get famous off of this or anything, but I think I talk about some good shit…..and people should listen to some of the stuff I say. Plus I could do more design wise if I pay for it. I think I’m going to do it one of these days…..just don’t know what day…..

Anyway, my internet is still slow as hell. Hopefully by tomorrow it’ll be working right. I should be asleep but I just can’t. Even though I plan to wake up early and workout. By the way…I’ve lost 5 pounds so far!!! Yay!!! Now to lose 15 more before classes start. I think that in a way working at the beach is motivation for slimming down. Like it goes both ways. I see a girl with a perfect bod in a bikini….it motivates me to look like her. I see a very obese lady in a bikini…..it motivates me to not look like her. But at the same time I think it’s taking a toll on my self-esteem. It’s like I don’t feel pretty all the time. I’m constantly comparing myself to other women. It’s taking a toll on my health, trying to have that perfect curvy body. I’ve been taking diet pills, drinking diet teas (liquid laxatives), and barely eating, on top of working out all the time. I’m getting to the point that I feel like I’m committing a crime if I even think about stopping at Taco Bell after work. I guess in a way that’s a good thing, but still. I’m just desperate now. I mean I’m in the 160s, a place I haven’t been since my Junior year in high school, and it’s killing me. My clothes don’t fit. I feel unattractive,I don’t get the attention that I used to get, it’s making me depressed and I don’t like it. So I’m going to do what I gotta do to lose the weight, I don’t care how dangerous it is, how unhealthy, I’m not going to stop until I’m back at 150 or lower. I can’t drink the tea for more than 10 days at a time, so when I’m not on that I’m going to be on the pills, and I take something else before I go to work to keep me alert and to suppress my appetite. I want to lose 15 pounds in a months. I’ll try to keep ya’ll posted on my progress…..