Life of the College Girl

Posts Tagged ‘leave

I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.

This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single.  It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve  experienced online.  This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again.  I saw this alias as a way of  being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.

So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy.  If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me.  That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name. 

I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years.  All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.

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I hope yours is so much more exciting than mine. What did I do today? Well I woke up at 10, went all over the place to see if I could find another usb cord for my Ipod (yeah I have an Ipod now, kind of a hand-me0down gift from one of my friends,however it didn’t come with the neccessary parts). All of those things are like $20 dollars at th least, and I remember when they used to sell them at the dollar store…I think. Anyway, after that I went and cooked some breakfast,and then laid in bed and watch Kimora, who is one of the people I look up to and aspire to be like. I actually slept through that marathon which began at 12 and ended at 4, then I got up and ate some cereal and began watching the Kardashians marathon,and now I’m here.

I was supposed to go out yesterday and get stuff for cooking out today,but I didn’t. Should have even got my hopes up. I don’t even know why she told me that, when she knew she was just going to go get it today. She said she had to check her money, that’s bullshit because banks are closed today just like they were yesterday. She just needs to stop lying to me. I don’t believe anything that comes out her mouth anymore. It’s like everything she says is a lie, so I just don’t listen to her. I honestly believe that she wants to see me fail. Just like she did,and it’s not right. It’s just like everyone in this house is out to get me. Out to see me fail. That’s  why I need to get out of here……for good…