Life of the College Girl

Archive for the ‘Claudette Jameson’ Category

I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.

This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single.  It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve  experienced online.  This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again.  I saw this alias as a way of  being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.

So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy.  If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me.  That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name. 

I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years.  All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.

I really don’t have anything I want to write about. Just felt like writing. I got so much clutter on my mind right now, I don’t know where to begin.

Am I the only who has a problem with my body? I’m asking because everyone keeps telling me there’s nothing wrong with it and that I don’t have to lose any weight, but honestly I think I do. That’s why I started work on  The Claudette Jameson Diet. I have a blog for that now too, I made my first Vlog for it. I’ll post it here. Anyway, I can’t see what everyone else does. I see a big stomach and big legs that need to be slimmed. I see a reason to be in the gym for 2 hours 3 times a week. I might add another day though. I am off tomorrow.

Today I good sum of money in my account. I’ve already paid all my bills and took out money to get my hair and brows done. I got a ton left over and I want to buy some shoes, but I don’t know if I really want them. As you know I’m a member of Shoedazzle,so I get some pairs of shoes to choose from every month. This month I asked for an alternative selection of flats, which looked good from a far but I knew wouldn’t look good one me. However, there were these shoes that weren’t part of the group selected for me that I loved.  These:

011-000007-0100

Those caught my eye because they were different and I like different. But I’m not 100% on them. I mean, I need a shoe that I can wear to class everyday, that are comfortable, and cute. So far these are 1 for 3.  I just don’t know, but I have a couple of weeks to figure it out. I like to treat myself to a pair of shoes each month regardless of if its Shoedazzle or the mall, so maybe I’ll go out tomorrow and see something I like. If not, I might get these.

But more than likely I’m going shopping tomorrow. I need new work pants because the ones I have now have a hole in them. I assume because my ass is too big, or because the quality is terrible. I think I’ll buy some Dickies this time.

I’m so bored right now, and cold. Times like this makes me wish I had a man. Seriously, like whenever I’m cold I just wish I had a guy to warm me up, kiss me, rub me down, etc.  Then I come back to reality. I’m willing to look for the right one and not just settle. My Mr. Perfect isn’t everyone’s Mr. Perfect. My Mr. Perfect has flaws that are beautiful that I see as perfect, and I hope he see’s me the same way.

I don’t know what it is about Lupe Fiasco, but when I listen to him I just become more productive. If I listen to any type of music while I’m writing it’s him. It’s weird.  I tried to listen to different artist while studying, writing, reading and I couldn’t did it. Could it be that Lupe Fiasco has a classical music effect on me?  I guess since I love hip hop he’s like my Mozart.

Anyway, I think I’m done. It’s too cold to have my hands out like this, and I’m inside! LOL.

Luv Ya!

It’s money time again. First I told how to be cheap in love it, and now I’m going to teach you about to importance, and the purpose of a stash. I know most of ya’ll already know so it’s you to be a refresher for you, but for you newbie, “cash my check then spend it all” people, take notes.

A stash is money, either in your wallet or in the bank, that is saved for emergencies or unexpected events, or in my case for the most part, extra gas money during the week. It should be at least $20 to $40 out of each paycheck that you DO NOT TOUCH!!! You forget that it’s even there sometimes until you need it. Personally, I keep mine in one of the dollar pockets in my wallet, because I know if it’s on my check card I’ll spend it; so I hide it from myself. It usually goes to gas during the week if I happen to do a lot of ripping and running, and whatever I don’t spend stays put until I need it again. It actually came in handy last week.

Last week, my check didn’t come. Somehow the company forgot to send the checks. How that happens? I have no idea. Anyway, they promised that they would be there the next day. I worked the next day,and they did not come. I ended up waiting till Monday for my check. Fortunately, I had about $30 dollars in my stash,and I still had a half of tank of gas. That $30 was enough to fill my tank and for me to buy enough food to last me those 3 days, and because I’m the Princess of Cheap, I still had money left. If it wasn’t for me saving that money, I would of been immobile and hungry that weekend. On Monday, I did end up replenishing my stash and I have about $30 in there now, untouched and I’ll be adding to it tomorrow.

Like I said in my other money entry, I hate spending all my money on unimportant things like clothes,and shoes. I rather spend it on things I need on gas(though I hate to), and food. However, my stash does come in handy when I need to do some stress shopping. Though I rarely go into my stash for that purpose, if I have that urge to shop and I know I won’t feel better until I buy something, I give myself a limit and make sure I put it back next paycheck. This is way better than paying off a credit card every month because I don’t charge myself interest and it doesn’t mess up my credit. I should of embraced this before I applied for those credit cards.

So yeah, this weekend I’m thinking about going to Barefeet and buying some sexy winterboots(though I need to be saving up to join a gym…I really need some comfortable, warm black boots). My budget, $40. I know that’s a lot, but they have a sale this weekend,plus it’s hard to find boots for cheaper. I mean I can find some for $20, but the ones I like are like $35. I think I deserve the splurge. But yeah, as long as I pay my bills, contribute to my stash, and have gas in my tank, I can do as I please with the rest.

Luv Ya!!!

I think I need to just settle with being single for right now, because obviously I keep attracting the wrong guys. I mean I have guys who treat me right and are very respectful, but the rest seem like the only want me for sex.

It happens all the time. I see a guy, he seems nice, we talk, we exchange numbers, we text/talk, he asks me about my sex life,and then he asks me to send him a “sexy picture”. I don’t and I stop talking to him. Up until recently, when I found my good sense, I used to tell these dudes about my sex life which would lead to them asking me about other stuff, but even now, when I refuse to talk about it, or refuse to bring it up, it still seems as though most of these guys are only looking for one thing. It pisses me off, because last time I checked I do not have “whore”,”slut”, or “jump off” written across my forehead or anywhere else on my body. I don’t dress like a hooker, I don’t speak like a hooker, I do nothing like a hooker, so why do these guys treat me this way? Maybe they think I’m not cute enough to be wifey. I mean I have personality, I’m really nice,and I’m not like a lot of other girls. I don’t wear make up, I wear my hair in a bun because I like wearing it in a bun, and I don’t dress like everyone else. I take chances and I have my own style. So I’m really thinking that it’s because I’m not as attractive. I think I’m pretty, but I also think that I’m unique and that’s why to the rest of society I’m not considered pretty.

If it’s not that, I honestly think it’s because of the video. I know I promised not to bring it up again, but I really think that could be a factor. People know that I’m that girl from that video and they treat me like a whore. That irritates that shit out of me. They don’t even try to get to know me. They just assume that I’m the way I am because of what they’ve seen and nothing else. That’s one of the reasons why I defend Kim Kardashian so much. These people who are saying things like she used her body to get where she is, that she’s talentless,and her only source of income is what she has inherited from her father don’t know anything about, and haven’t tried to. People call her a whore and a slut for what? Having sex with her then boyfriend? Ok then that means that every woman who has had sex with their boyfriend is a whore. Yeah she knew that it was being video taped but that doesn’t mean that she consented to it being released to the public. And yeah that dude told me he was going to be putting it on the internet, but I didn’t know he was videotaping me behind my back!!!

I’m sorry I’m just pissed off at people right now, mostly these guys who only see me as a sex object. I’m passed the video, I’m not losing sleep over it anymore, but I really think that since it was put back up(and to whoever put it back up, I hope Karma comes back to not only bite you in the ass, but tear your whole ass off!!), and since more people will be watching it that more and more guys, cute guys, will be coming up to me as though they’re trying to start a real relationship with me, to only ask me about my sexual experiences, and that “sexy picture”.

By the way, for all the guys that might be reading this….don’t ever in your life ask me for one of those, because if you do it means that you are asking me to delete your number out of my phone. I actually had 2 guys ask me for one in the past 2 days. One of them saw my tape and actually said to me that I could send him a sexy one because “it’s not going to be anything I haven’t seen already”. I was pissed off at that. I’m never talking to that guy again, because as I ran our convo back in my mind, he didn’t want me for anything more than sex.At least the other guy asked me what I liked to do for fun. I mean he seemed really nice until night before last when I couldn’t sleep and I texted him, and what did he text back? This is exactly what he wrote, right off of my phone.

…its the middle of the night and I’m feeling a little horny and I just wanted to see something that would help cool down…

I just met him last week, why am I treated like this? What type of vibe and I giving off. This is one of the reason why I’m slowly started to hate men. I’ve been trying so hard not to get to this point, but time after time they continue to do me wrong, no matter how nice I am, so I’m just going to start being a bitch to them. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I hurt they pride or they’re feelings, and I really wish one of them would put their hand on me for bruising their ego, I would kill them. I don’t care anymore. I have no respect for men anymore, because they have none for me,and until I find that one who wants to treat me right, my emotions will stay the same. I’m through with them.

So I was on my Dashboard and I spotted that I had a new link in my “Incoming Links” box. It was from Nubian Fitness Goddess: A Black Woman’s Journey to Physical Fitness. She had nominated my blog for the I Love Your Blog Award. By the way, this is one of my favorite blogs on fitness. So much that it was the first blog roll link on my Claudette Jameson: The Weight Loss Edition blog. I was surprised,seriously, that she nominated me,as well as very thankful.

So thank you Nubian Fitness Goddess for the nomination!!! Luv Ya!!!

Now, it’s my turn.

Nubian Fitness Goddess: A Black Woman’s Journey to Physical Fitness
My favorite fitness blog. Focusing on black women, the black community and a healthy lifestyle.

Glennisha Morgan
She’s a great writer, and she writes on the most interesting topics.

Media Outrage
One of my favorite celeb blogs. It’s very entertaining. I think I go here more to read the comments than the actual entries.

Harvin Zone
This blog helps me keep up with one of my secret crushes favorite athletes.

Darren McFadden
The youngest,sexiest,yummiest, player in the NFL right now. Oakland Raiders rookie running back Darren McFadden. He’s supposed to be blogging throughout the season but I assume that due to practice,and to the fact that he’s probably sick in bed right now after their 41-14 lost to the Broncos last night (Personally I cried myself to sleep), he doesn’t really write in it everyday. However, when he does write, it’s very interesting and he really gives you an insight into how it feels to be a rookie in the NFL.

Claudette Jameson: The Weight Loss Edition
Very interesting. This chick named Claudette is blogging her weight loss. She doesn’t really keep it up as much as she should,but she’s working on it….

Now The Rules:

1. The nominated is allowed to put this picture on their blogs.
2. Link to the person who hearted you.
3. Nominate at least 7 other people and link to them.
4. Leave a message on those people’s blog to make them aware that they’re nominated.

Once again, thank you to Nubian Fitness Goddess for nominating me!!!

Luv Ya!!!

It’s time for me to admit it. I can’t hold it back anymore, I do not like most black women. I say most, because I have a few black female friends that I can relate to and aren’t so quick to judge me and I love them for that. But the rest, like if I don’t actually get to know them, I think that they are all the same and I shy away from interacting with them. It’s not like I’m happy being this way, because I’m not. I hate being this way, it’s like how can I dislike what I am? It’s ridiculous, i know, but let tell you what led me to thinking this way.

Not Your Average Lil Black Girl
Well, before my neighborhood became “da hood” again, it was a very pleasant neighborhood, and a lot of white people lived their,thus making my first 2 best friends white girls. I never really related to black girls. We didn’t dress the same, didn’t listen to the same type of music, I just wasn’t your typical lil black girl.

Middle School
It wasn’t until middle school that I got my first black best friend (if things would of went as planned I could of added “/ step-sister” to that, but that’s another story). Actually I have a whole group of black female friends in middle school. I soon realized that most of them weren’t really my friends at all. One ended up telling just about the whole entire school about an intimate incident that happened with me and this guy I had a crush on. I didn’t think she realized it at the time, but that ended up following me all the way up to high school and triggered a chain of rumors about me and various sports team, which were never true. But I’ll talk about that when I get there. Within the group of friend that I had, there were girls who hated me, for what? I have no idea, but they did. 2 of them I ended up fighting. One of them I ended up fighting twice. Another girl in the group of my so-called friends, got mad at me over something and ended up calling me a hoe among other things. Basically by the time I left middle school I only had 2 of the about 10 friends that I began with.

High School
High school was worse. I started out the school year the bad girl…lol. Really I was, but I was also a Flag Girl. The summer before I started my freshman year I tried out for my high school’s flag team, and ended up getting the highest score in auditions. Nobody on the team knew I was a freshman though…I thought that was funny. Anyway there were these 2 females,black, who just used to give me a hard time for no reason. They would just be rude to me, one of them was captain and she just treated me like dirt. Her and her sidekick. The next year I ended up quitting the flag team, not because of them, but because that wasn’t where my heart was, it was in cheerleading.

Cheerleading
So I became a cheerleader, I didn’t think that they would be some of the cattiest chicks on earth. I spent 3.5 years cheering. My freshman year, because of flag, I didn’t begin cheering until basketball season. I made Varsity. That first half year wasn’t really that bad,I got along with almost everyone. There was this one girl who thought that I was trying to talk to her boyfriend, she ended up disliking me for all 3.5 years.

My second year cheering I was on Junior Varsity, I assume because I let my grades slip, but I made captain. That summer during camp, I became acquainted with some of the football players. By acquainted I mean one of them was trying to get me into their car after practice one day. For what? I have….a clue, but I had a boyfriend at the time so I wasn’t going anywhere with him. Later that night I get a called from one of the cheerleaders asking me about that same dude. They must of seen me talking with him earlier. They asked me if I thought he was cute, and I said yes, just thinking at the time that it was harmless girl talk. The next day at practice, everyone was pissed at everyone,and most of them were pissed at me. I later found out that they thought that I had sex with this guy. I didn’t,but I don’t know why they would get up set at me, 50% of the team slept with him. I never did, he wasn’t my type…lol.I believe that this incident is the reason why the next 3 years were filled with hostility.

The Step Team
The Step Team never liked me. Wait, I can’t lie, I was kinda cool with a few of them starting out, but then there was an incident where this guy was trying to talk to me, but dating a girl on the step team at the same time, and they just all ganged up on me at a football game. I mean this didn’t even concern them, and they came at me like they wanted to fight me. As you would assume, they were all black. The accused me of “rubbing my chest on him” I gave the dude a hug, I’m sorry I just can’t take my DD breast off when I hug dudes, but they’re going to touch him when I hug him…it’s uncontrollable.

There was also an incident my freshman year when 2 of them wanted to jump because of an incident that happened in middle school. That thing that I said my friend told everyone about. They tried to tell me it wasn’t true (technically it wasn’t, but for the most part it was), but I wasn’t trying to hear that, so the threaten to jump me.

The Rumors
I honestly don’t know how the rumors about me and the Football and Basketball teams started. Ok,maybe the basketball one. I had a crush on one of the players and would of did anything to get next to him, but as for the football team. I didn’t like them, they didn’t like me, so how the hell did I sleep with them? Plus they never won a game!!!! C’mon now, if I’mma sleep with a whole team, it would be one with a state ring. Or at least one that qualified for districts. If I wanted to sleep with a whole team I would of went down the street to Landstown. But I wasn’t like that, so I didn’t.

Basketball team however, our bball team was good. There were a couple of cute guys on our team. By a couple I mean 98%,and the other 2% weren’t even ugly, they just weren’t as desirable. Even the coach was fine. If I was loose like people said I was I would of been in the locker room butt naked after school waiting on them. But I was way too shy in high school to do something like that. I mean I didn’t have a crush on the star player, who didn’t? But mine lasted all of the 3 years I went to school with him, up until now. I think I wrote a entry about the last time I saw him a couple of months ago. I almost passed out. I wonder if he’s reading this, if so, I wouldn’t mind dating him..hint hint…hit me up on Facebook….lol!

College Freshman
As you all know, I decided to go to an HBCU. You all know what happened at this HBCU, if you don’t, check my archives. Anyway, this is when I actually started trusting some black women again. I gained so many friends, so much support,and on top of that both of my favorite teachers were black females. My roommate, I love her. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met,and to be honest I was kinda nervous at first about sharing a room with another girl, because of my past. However, I had a lot of females who were just out to hurt me. If you read back to some of my post from February, the comments and everything. Most of them were from black females and most of them were so mean. They would act as though they are completely immune from making terrible mistakes. They would say some of the harshest things to me, and it would hurt because those were my own people. Young Black females, just like me and they were saying some of the rudest things. I’m not saying that they shouldn’t have been mad at me, hell I was mad at me, but all the name calling was completely out of hand,especially since most of them were just as bad as me.

If you read some of my older entries you could see that I had a lot of hatred towards my own race. At that time, I really did hate my race, and was ashamed of being a black women just because of the way they treated me. On top of all that, one of my older sisters cut me off completely. And that hurt more than anything. To think that I ruined my relationship with one of my own siblings, one that was already on the rocks.

As of Right Now…
I have a female friend that I feel really close to. She’s black,and I feel like I can relate to her. She doesn’t know about how I feel,but I think it’s becoming more obvious seeing the way I react with some of the black females that come into the store. Depending on their appearance , sometimes I would refuse to speak or even help them. It hurts me that I do these things. I’m not one of those people who are like “oh I hate blacks and I’m proud of it” I’m not. I want to change. That’s why I wrote this book on my life, so I can change and move on. Maybe with the help of you all.

I’m watching the preview to The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and they just seem so powerful and determined, and most of all…They have confidence in their selves. Something I really need to have. I need to start to love myself,and figure out the reasons why I am the way I am and how I can fix them. Then I can truly follow my dreams and become the successful I always wanted to be.

I changed my title,added a couple of “the”s and a Vixen. And if you haven’t realized already, Brittani and Claudette Jameson are the same person. lol Yeah I found out that there was a Hawaiian meaning to the word “Honi” it meant gracious, and “Gracious Eyez” isn’t really a great Video Model name. Plus all the greats changed their name when they became famous including my inspiration,idol,what ever you wanna call her, Marilyn Monroe aka Norma Jean Baker.

But for real though I got the name Claudette Jameson from Second Life. That was the name I chose,but after waiting all day for the damn thing to download, I found out that my computers processor wouldn’t support it. But I really like that name,so Claudette it is! LOL ok it’s 1030 I gotta get to my class……