Life of the College Girl

Archive for the ‘blog’ Category

I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.

This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single.  It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve  experienced online.  This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again.  I saw this alias as a way of  being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.

So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy.  If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me.  That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name. 

I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years.  All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.

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I really don’t have anything I want to write about. Just felt like writing. I got so much clutter on my mind right now, I don’t know where to begin.

Am I the only who has a problem with my body? I’m asking because everyone keeps telling me there’s nothing wrong with it and that I don’t have to lose any weight, but honestly I think I do. That’s why I started work on  The Claudette Jameson Diet. I have a blog for that now too, I made my first Vlog for it. I’ll post it here. Anyway, I can’t see what everyone else does. I see a big stomach and big legs that need to be slimmed. I see a reason to be in the gym for 2 hours 3 times a week. I might add another day though. I am off tomorrow.

Today I good sum of money in my account. I’ve already paid all my bills and took out money to get my hair and brows done. I got a ton left over and I want to buy some shoes, but I don’t know if I really want them. As you know I’m a member of Shoedazzle,so I get some pairs of shoes to choose from every month. This month I asked for an alternative selection of flats, which looked good from a far but I knew wouldn’t look good one me. However, there were these shoes that weren’t part of the group selected for me that I loved.  These:

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Those caught my eye because they were different and I like different. But I’m not 100% on them. I mean, I need a shoe that I can wear to class everyday, that are comfortable, and cute. So far these are 1 for 3.  I just don’t know, but I have a couple of weeks to figure it out. I like to treat myself to a pair of shoes each month regardless of if its Shoedazzle or the mall, so maybe I’ll go out tomorrow and see something I like. If not, I might get these.

But more than likely I’m going shopping tomorrow. I need new work pants because the ones I have now have a hole in them. I assume because my ass is too big, or because the quality is terrible. I think I’ll buy some Dickies this time.

I’m so bored right now, and cold. Times like this makes me wish I had a man. Seriously, like whenever I’m cold I just wish I had a guy to warm me up, kiss me, rub me down, etc.  Then I come back to reality. I’m willing to look for the right one and not just settle. My Mr. Perfect isn’t everyone’s Mr. Perfect. My Mr. Perfect has flaws that are beautiful that I see as perfect, and I hope he see’s me the same way.

I don’t know what it is about Lupe Fiasco, but when I listen to him I just become more productive. If I listen to any type of music while I’m writing it’s him. It’s weird.  I tried to listen to different artist while studying, writing, reading and I couldn’t did it. Could it be that Lupe Fiasco has a classical music effect on me?  I guess since I love hip hop he’s like my Mozart.

Anyway, I think I’m done. It’s too cold to have my hands out like this, and I’m inside! LOL.

Luv Ya!