Life of the College Girl

I Can’t Take This Anymore!!!

Posted on: October 27, 2009

I’ve tried everything. I’ve never felt this bad ever. I don’t think that I’ll make it until the end of the year, the end of the week, the end of this day. I just don’t feel like me. I’m not truely happy. My heart hurts, and it brings me to tears thinking about why its so hard for me to be happy. Why can’t I be happy like other people? Why am I like? Why is it so bad? To be completely honest, I don’t want to live anymore and I really don’t care who I hurt by saying this. It’s the truth.

 No one acts like they want me to stay alive anyway. They’re tired of my “whining”, so instead of answering my cry for help, they ignore it. Ignoring it, mean that they don’t care,and I honestly believe that there are a lot of people out here who actually would be happy if I were dead so that they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. I bet there are tons of people who secretly wish that was so. Actually I know.

So why don’t I just do it. Yeah my family would be sad but in the long run that would be a load off their shoulders. They won’t have to bother with my mood swing. My mom wouldn’t have to leave the state because she’s fed up with me. I don’t have to keep hidhing from my dad. My siblings won’t be stress over me. I honestly believe they would be relieved if I finally killed myself. I would be too.

I would be happier, actually I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Why can’t I jut go and do it? The thought has crossed my mind many time to just drive down the wrong side of the road one night, lay in the middle of the street, and even drive drunk, but if I do any of those things and survive I might hurt someone else and/or get arrested. I’m not out to harm anyone else, just myself. It’s not their fault I’m the way I am, so they shouldn’t have to be a victim. I just want to hurt me.

I’m so sad, so angry, so disgusted with myself. I’m ashamed and embarassed for acting the way I do which adds to it, but I can’t stop. I just want someone to take notice and do something, but no one really has. I’ve just been ignored. I’ve just been left alone, which is where this problem stems, from me being alone. I’m always alone. If I were around someone I would be so much happier, if people interacted with me, I don’t think I would be like this, but I was cursed with shyness making it hard for me to interact with people. Meaning they don’t intereact with me, so I’m left alone with myself and my thoughts. No one to come over and get me out of my rut, no one really to talk to, no one to hug me and help me through what I was dealing with. I had to do that alone. I’ve never had encouragement unless it was to do something negative. Never any positive encouragement. I’ve became a cold person for the simple fact that I believe people hate me. It’s to the point that I want people to hate me because I get more attention that way. When I was nice, no one paid attention to me, or told me how nice I was. They took advantage of it, but they never appreciated it. On top of that I was different and no one wanted to be around me. I never got to bond with my team when I was cheerleading and guys never liked me. Another reason why I find my life useless.

I’ve only had 2 real boyfriends, both relationships ended with a pregnant woman(who wasn’t me) getting involved. I had one boyfriend treat me like dirt because I wouldn’t have sex with him, and a couple of guys just quit talking to me because of it. What’s the use of my existing if I can’t reproduce? I’m afraid to have sex, plus I waiting for this person who either will never come or is already taken. I’m over this! No man wants me, and I wouldn’t blame them. I deserve to be treated the way I was, especially with comtemplating being a stripper. I’m a disgusting person. No man will ever respect me. I’ll only be used for sexual pleasure. I don’t want that to be my life, so I might as well end it.

I’ve lost all interest in school, one of my favorite things. I use to love school, even the hard subjects, but now I just don’t care. I want to flunk out, I want to fail. I’ll never get my degree so what’s the use of me even continuing? I should be applying to other colleges now, but I cant because my other school still hasn’t sent my transcripts. I honestly don’t know what I want to do anyway,so why keep going and wasting money?

Which brings me to what triggered this entire depressive state. Money issues. My mom doesn’t have a job, so everything is going down hill. The cable is off, we may not have a house, I’m barely making $150 a week now. I’ve applied at a couple of jobs, none of them have called back. I’m still in debt, it’s just hard and depressing. I can’t live like this.

You all can say that there are people worse off than me and they’re getting through, but I’m not them. They’re happy. Yeah they might be upset over their current state but overall they are happy people. They aren’t severely depressed people. That’s why I can’t stand it when someone tells someone who is suicidal that “it’s not that bad”. Fuck You! You think those 4 little words are going to prevent someone from offing themselves? It’s not. To you it’s not that bad, but to us it is. You don’t know what I’ve been through to get to where I am. To having no hope for my life. That’s something normal happy people will never EVER  understand. I don’t even understand why I’m asking my help anymore. It’s useless. I’m beyond help. I should just end it all now.

 

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13 Responses to "I Can’t Take This Anymore!!!"

So I’ve been lurking for a while but when I read this. I felt the need to write something.

Reading this, I felt like I know exactly what you mean. Just last week I wrote a verrrrry long entry that’s ridiculously similar. It hurts, life hurts. And when it rains it pours, everything and everyone seems out to tear you down.

I could echo your post on so many sentiments but that would be pointless. [and you don’t wanna know my life story] I don’t even really know why I am writing this. I guess I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in feeling this way. These are real issues. Especially for a young adult trying to do something with your life. Things can be so hard because nobody’s got your back. It’s as if the world wants you to fail. School, work, family, I feel your post is clicking with me on so many levels. All I can say is to keep believing in you. You have to find a way to step away from other people’s negativity and keep moving on.

As for the money situation, I’ve found a temporary solution for my money probs that gets me about $200 a week. Email me and I can pass the info along to ya. It’s pretty easy work and it’s nothing that would compromise you in anyway. I’m aware that I sound like I’m selling something, swear I’m not.

Yeah, I don’t know what more to say. Just try to hang in there, things can, will, and do get better.

*hugs*

-Meesch

I understand that you are pretty down on your situation. I’m not your age. I’m way older in fact. I never finished college. When I try to apply for jobs I qualify for people look at me like I’m too old. Try to make a bachelors degree your goal. I look back and I remember thinking 4 years is a long time too go to school. But I realize that 27 years, thats how long ago I stopped college, of being a subordinate with very little decision in my future, due to my family obligations I was going crazy. The disrespect I see daily from people half my age because of my failure to progress is very difficult to bear. I don’t let it bother me because it will not stop me. I will not be unhappy to make anyone more comfortable. I love myself because someone must and I will do whatever I must to make myself happy. Don’t wait, take advantage of your status. The seed of the Devil is to doubt yourself and the power of beleiving in yourself is faith. If you feel you are weak and unconfident pray to God to clear your heart of the doubt that is the most evil thing in life. God bless you.

Giving up will only show that you are weak and you will let the evil win. Everyone makes mistakes and wish they can take them back but you must reap the repercussions of society that’s life. You may get labeled this or that, but sooner or later people will forgive you it just takes time. I been in the state of mind where i wanted to end it all because i felt like the world was against me. Get out of that mind set and just live your life. Just think of this: Paris Hilton became famous off some tape and slowly but surely the past was not talked about because she lived her life.

If you end it now, then you end your future success and the devil wins this game.

I’ve been following your blog for a while now just dropping in to see what you’ve been saying but after reading this I had to speak up. Baby girl, no matter what you might feel inside, it is not worth giving up your life for it. Granted things aren’t going your way and I know it feels like rock bottom but trust me it could be worse. There are others out there in life who are in even worse situations than this. I’ma be honest with you, I’ve had those thoughts before that even my own children (who are very young) would be better off without me. However, you have to realize that your life is worth more than that. You can’t look for another person, man, woman, or whoever to show you the love that you must show yourself first. Second of all, it sounds like you really don’t have a strong foundation and relationship with God. I encourage you to first seek God as the source of happiness. Once you do that, you must begin to surround yourself with people who are like minded and can help to build you and not tear you down. Even going as far as finding a prayer partner. You will quickly find that those long weary days aren’t as bad as they used to be. I agree with what some of the others have said, we all have a past. Many of us have done things that others know about and things that they don’t know. But you can’t continue to allow the past to dictate the future. Even in your darkest hour, God is always there to guide you and light the path. So please, don’t look at this response as another “it’s not that bad” response but a heartfelt response from someone who has been down similar but different roads but has also stood where you now stand. I once even laid down across railroad tracks ready to end the pain but today I can say that I have made many strides to overcome. I even invite you to send me a message back if you need someone to confide in, no judgements at all. Just someone who is willing to listen and offer a comforting shoulder.

Yeah, life is crazy, it always tries to give you certain things and what not, hard choices and situations. The best thing to do, don’t stop. Don’t worry about that shit or negativity. Just think for a sec and see what you can do and not what you can’t do. I respect all women the world because they deserve it. Some do and so don’t but I still do it anyway, because women are the people who also brought this world where it is now, we have fun, good times, fall in love, get marry. I know you want to have someone special, so do everybody else, but I’m saying is, don’t give up. Ending your life because you THINK you can’t keep the house or the cable on? It’s hard to keep hope in a bad depression but you have to see what you can do to make the best of it. I want you to download, and listen to this song, it’s called “Keep Going” by T-Pain. download it and listen.

http://www.mediafire.com/?yyyyxwnmozj

If you ever need somebody to talk to about anything, I always willing to listen, even a stranger like me, so hit me up on myspace or facebook

facebook: facebook.com/gentlemangezzy
myspace: myspace.com/gentlemangezzy

Sweetheart, time heals all wounds. what you did will soon pass.
Its no big deal people make mistakes.

Ten years from now this will be a distant memory soemthing you may even be able to laugh about.

But please do not do anything drastic. you are a pretty young lady with a great smile. you have much to offer the world.

Please don’t hurt yourself, things will get better.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28. God will guide you through any difficulty in life, please do not resort to suicide. You are a beautiful human being, with talents and a purpose. Though I have never met you, I love you.

Geez that god stuff has me even more depressed. Please so advice on depression is welcome not the come to my religion talk please.

Wow…

College sucks..im leaving because i have started up my own company…but damn child…life sucks i know trust me its true.

I thought of dying myself.

But my god…its not worth it..

fuck it, i mean college is highly important no doubt…but um does that mean if i dont go i am flipping burgers all my life?

JESUS CHRIST NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am well regarded in the IT Industry as the “next” top dog according to several executives in the industries.

That I am the “next Zeno” (my father)

and i am only 21 years old.

I own my own company and I am learning MORE WORKING because i am forced to learn opposed to sitting down and listening to someone who really doesnt care to much about me.

4 years of my life…WASTED IN COLLEGE granted many MANY fun times…but for the love of god life is life…we live it once..

you say ur family wont miss you?

Yeah..thats what I thought until my mother and father begged me not to leave home.

Why? SIMPLE BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT I AM SMARTER THAN THIS!!!

College and University prep people for life? No prep people for tests.

My God, if going to college makes me smarter…then fuck me I dont deserve to live.

Life is about learning until you are dead.

Dont kill yourself, you are fine and will be fine in life….trust me..if I can move on and work hard…you can to!

Chin up, we all go through phases like this, Your probably not even in the same place now! Life has a habit of changing very quickly.

One girl I know was so down, kidney failure, no job, couldn’t find a job for over a year, no partner etc.. She started sleeping around hoping it would make her feel wanted I guess but it didn’t.

Now she’s found a partner and has moved in with him, she’s got a kidney transplant and a job.. Things will get better.

Leave gods and fairytails out of it. Ra and zeus weren’t there for you, neither will be jesus

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