Life of the College Girl

Posts Tagged ‘pain

I’ve tried everything. I’ve never felt this bad ever. I don’t think that I’ll make it until the end of the year, the end of the week, the end of this day. I just don’t feel like me. I’m not truely happy. My heart hurts, and it brings me to tears thinking about why its so hard for me to be happy. Why can’t I be happy like other people? Why am I like? Why is it so bad? To be completely honest, I don’t want to live anymore and I really don’t care who I hurt by saying this. It’s the truth.

 No one acts like they want me to stay alive anyway. They’re tired of my “whining”, so instead of answering my cry for help, they ignore it. Ignoring it, mean that they don’t care,and I honestly believe that there are a lot of people out here who actually would be happy if I were dead so that they wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. I bet there are tons of people who secretly wish that was so. Actually I know.

So why don’t I just do it. Yeah my family would be sad but in the long run that would be a load off their shoulders. They won’t have to bother with my mood swing. My mom wouldn’t have to leave the state because she’s fed up with me. I don’t have to keep hidhing from my dad. My siblings won’t be stress over me. I honestly believe they would be relieved if I finally killed myself. I would be too.

I would be happier, actually I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Why can’t I jut go and do it? The thought has crossed my mind many time to just drive down the wrong side of the road one night, lay in the middle of the street, and even drive drunk, but if I do any of those things and survive I might hurt someone else and/or get arrested. I’m not out to harm anyone else, just myself. It’s not their fault I’m the way I am, so they shouldn’t have to be a victim. I just want to hurt me.

I’m so sad, so angry, so disgusted with myself. I’m ashamed and embarassed for acting the way I do which adds to it, but I can’t stop. I just want someone to take notice and do something, but no one really has. I’ve just been ignored. I’ve just been left alone, which is where this problem stems, from me being alone. I’m always alone. If I were around someone I would be so much happier, if people interacted with me, I don’t think I would be like this, but I was cursed with shyness making it hard for me to interact with people. Meaning they don’t intereact with me, so I’m left alone with myself and my thoughts. No one to come over and get me out of my rut, no one really to talk to, no one to hug me and help me through what I was dealing with. I had to do that alone. I’ve never had encouragement unless it was to do something negative. Never any positive encouragement. I’ve became a cold person for the simple fact that I believe people hate me. It’s to the point that I want people to hate me because I get more attention that way. When I was nice, no one paid attention to me, or told me how nice I was. They took advantage of it, but they never appreciated it. On top of that I was different and no one wanted to be around me. I never got to bond with my team when I was cheerleading and guys never liked me. Another reason why I find my life useless.

I’ve only had 2 real boyfriends, both relationships ended with a pregnant woman(who wasn’t me) getting involved. I had one boyfriend treat me like dirt because I wouldn’t have sex with him, and a couple of guys just quit talking to me because of it. What’s the use of my existing if I can’t reproduce? I’m afraid to have sex, plus I waiting for this person who either will never come or is already taken. I’m over this! No man wants me, and I wouldn’t blame them. I deserve to be treated the way I was, especially with comtemplating being a stripper. I’m a disgusting person. No man will ever respect me. I’ll only be used for sexual pleasure. I don’t want that to be my life, so I might as well end it.

I’ve lost all interest in school, one of my favorite things. I use to love school, even the hard subjects, but now I just don’t care. I want to flunk out, I want to fail. I’ll never get my degree so what’s the use of me even continuing? I should be applying to other colleges now, but I cant because my other school still hasn’t sent my transcripts. I honestly don’t know what I want to do anyway,so why keep going and wasting money?

Which brings me to what triggered this entire depressive state. Money issues. My mom doesn’t have a job, so everything is going down hill. The cable is off, we may not have a house, I’m barely making $150 a week now. I’ve applied at a couple of jobs, none of them have called back. I’m still in debt, it’s just hard and depressing. I can’t live like this.

You all can say that there are people worse off than me and they’re getting through, but I’m not them. They’re happy. Yeah they might be upset over their current state but overall they are happy people. They aren’t severely depressed people. That’s why I can’t stand it when someone tells someone who is suicidal that “it’s not that bad”. Fuck You! You think those 4 little words are going to prevent someone from offing themselves? It’s not. To you it’s not that bad, but to us it is. You don’t know what I’ve been through to get to where I am. To having no hope for my life. That’s something normal happy people will never EVER  understand. I don’t even understand why I’m asking my help anymore. It’s useless. I’m beyond help. I should just end it all now.