Life of the College Girl

Archive for the ‘facebook’ Category

I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.

This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single.  It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve  experienced online.  This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again.  I saw this alias as a way of  being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.

So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy.  If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me.  That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name. 

I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years.  All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.


Ok so you remember that guy I told ya’ll about in one of my entries earlier in the summer? The one who hugged me in the drugstore, and…. ya’ll already know that story. If not look it up, and if you want to you can check it for errors and then leave a comment about how my entries are filled with grammar and punctuation errors and that I should brainstorm, pre-write, and edit before I even think about posting such a hot mess of an essay online! Sorry, a commenter pissed me off last week…somehow she believed that I was a token black girl at an HBCU…anyway….

Its weird because I always thought that this was just a high school crush and that I should be over him by now since, you know, I’ve been out of high school for 2 years now, but I think about him a lot. It’s not like Helga off of “Hey Arnold” though. I don’t have a shrine devoted to him in my closet or anything. I did, however, steal a picture of him off of the wall in one of my classrooms in high school, a piece a paper in the shape of our school’s mascot with his name and college on it, and, the year that both our boys and girls basketball teams went to regionals, I demanded that I cheer for the boys game just so I could see him play. On top of that, I only missed one game that year. Actually, out of the 3.5 years that I cheered in high school, I only missed 2 games. Football and basketball, and I never missed practice. If I did, they thought something really serious happened. Cheering was my passion back, and having eye candy like him made it even better when basketball season came around.

He seemed like such a fun guy to hang out with. I always wanted to chill (original version of the verb; the clean version) with him. Like on a friend level, but that never happened. We just weren’t around each other like that. We didn’t have the same circle of friends. Though I was a cheerleader, I didn’t hangout with them. I wasn’t like them. Not being mean to my former teammates, but I was one of those girls that made the team for my talent, not just for eye candy. I’m not saying that I was the greatest to ever cheer there, but I wasn’t the worst.

Anyway, I keep getting off the subject, I really did like him, and people knew I did, but I don’t know if HE did. I attempted to tell him one night after the Winter sports awards thing his senior year. I tried, but when I opened my mouth the corniest of corny phrases came out and it just cause a whole lot of awkwardness. But I just wanted him to know how I feel. I’m so shy thought; I mean he’s my friend on both Facebook pages, and I could tell him in a message at any time, but I just can’t. I’m scared, mainly because I can’t approach him like I do other guys. I don’t think I could use my usual tactics, being extremely flirty with my eyes, or dressing a lil sexier. Those things wont work, I know, I tried them in high school and FAILED!!! I guess if I wanted him to take me seriously I would have to come at him as just me. No smoke, no mirrors, just a more mature me. I don’t know how though. He is yet to install Honesty Box, and I doubt he reads my blog since he clearly states on his profile that he “doesn’t read”. What should I do? I really think this is more than a crush; I really wanna get to know him. Let him tell me about himself, and vice versa.

So yeah, I would like to say to him, he knows who he is, just send me a message or something. I just want to talk to you…

Aww fuck it! He isn’t gonna read this, he’s too busy playing PS3 or something. I bet he don’t even know about this blog. He just added me cause I looked familiar or something. Anyway if he does, he knows what to do. Just on a friend level, nothing serious.

Luv Ya!!!