Life of the College Girl

Archive for the ‘self-love’ Category

I wanted to build an empire off of this name, but it seems it has been tarnished since birth. A name I created for a virtual game that soon became an alias to keep my real name private soon spun out of control, and now the person who is Claudette Jameson is ruining my own well being.

This alter ego is turning me into someone online who I’m not in real life. An oversexed, attention whore, who never wears clothes, who is depressed or angry most of the time and wonders why she is single.  It’s effecting my personal life because I am now turning to drugs and alcohol to deal with the attack I’ve  experienced online.  This alter ego has made me addict to the internet, where I go in hopes of comfort and attention, things I’ve rarely get, and because of my actions on various message boards and websites many of my online friends have given up and abandoned me.

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I want to go back to who I was almost 3 years ago. I want to go back to being happy most of the time instead of crying all the time and making suicide threats for attention. I never did that in the past. Actually, I was afraid, embarrassed for people to know that I had those thoughts because I thought that I would lose friends or end up in a mental facility again.  I saw this alias as a way of  being able to say what I wanted and not be afraid. I thought I was in control of it, but at the end of the day it was in control of me.

So now she must die. I must destroy her. I have to do this so I can be happy.  If I just lived as me and stopped battling between these 2 people. I would be happier. It’s like she’s possessed by demons and now she’s controlling me.  That may be the reason why I could never go through with most of my suicide attempts. I don’t want to kill me. Claudette wants to die. She’s the one who is suicidal. She’s the one who is hurting, who cries herself to sleep, she’s the one who wants to end it all. I’m ok. I need to get rid of her and that first step to doing that is getting rid of her name. 

I have to get rid of everything associated with her. Her Twitter account, her Facebook page, her Myspace, as well as this blog and all the other blogs with her name. I’m sorry, but I have to let her die. She has done nothing but cause me pain over these few years.  All of this could have died down by now if it wasn’t for me wanting to keep her alive. I felt like I needed her to be known, but I don’t. Now she’s just a distraction from the real world and who I really am. I can’t find me with her in the way. So I have to kill her.

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I think I need to just settle with being single for right now, because obviously I keep attracting the wrong guys. I mean I have guys who treat me right and are very respectful, but the rest seem like the only want me for sex.

It happens all the time. I see a guy, he seems nice, we talk, we exchange numbers, we text/talk, he asks me about my sex life,and then he asks me to send him a “sexy picture”. I don’t and I stop talking to him. Up until recently, when I found my good sense, I used to tell these dudes about my sex life which would lead to them asking me about other stuff, but even now, when I refuse to talk about it, or refuse to bring it up, it still seems as though most of these guys are only looking for one thing. It pisses me off, because last time I checked I do not have “whore”,”slut”, or “jump off” written across my forehead or anywhere else on my body. I don’t dress like a hooker, I don’t speak like a hooker, I do nothing like a hooker, so why do these guys treat me this way? Maybe they think I’m not cute enough to be wifey. I mean I have personality, I’m really nice,and I’m not like a lot of other girls. I don’t wear make up, I wear my hair in a bun because I like wearing it in a bun, and I don’t dress like everyone else. I take chances and I have my own style. So I’m really thinking that it’s because I’m not as attractive. I think I’m pretty, but I also think that I’m unique and that’s why to the rest of society I’m not considered pretty.

If it’s not that, I honestly think it’s because of the video. I know I promised not to bring it up again, but I really think that could be a factor. People know that I’m that girl from that video and they treat me like a whore. That irritates that shit out of me. They don’t even try to get to know me. They just assume that I’m the way I am because of what they’ve seen and nothing else. That’s one of the reasons why I defend Kim Kardashian so much. These people who are saying things like she used her body to get where she is, that she’s talentless,and her only source of income is what she has inherited from her father don’t know anything about, and haven’t tried to. People call her a whore and a slut for what? Having sex with her then boyfriend? Ok then that means that every woman who has had sex with their boyfriend is a whore. Yeah she knew that it was being video taped but that doesn’t mean that she consented to it being released to the public. And yeah that dude told me he was going to be putting it on the internet, but I didn’t know he was videotaping me behind my back!!!

I’m sorry I’m just pissed off at people right now, mostly these guys who only see me as a sex object. I’m passed the video, I’m not losing sleep over it anymore, but I really think that since it was put back up(and to whoever put it back up, I hope Karma comes back to not only bite you in the ass, but tear your whole ass off!!), and since more people will be watching it that more and more guys, cute guys, will be coming up to me as though they’re trying to start a real relationship with me, to only ask me about my sexual experiences, and that “sexy picture”.

By the way, for all the guys that might be reading this….don’t ever in your life ask me for one of those, because if you do it means that you are asking me to delete your number out of my phone. I actually had 2 guys ask me for one in the past 2 days. One of them saw my tape and actually said to me that I could send him a sexy one because “it’s not going to be anything I haven’t seen already”. I was pissed off at that. I’m never talking to that guy again, because as I ran our convo back in my mind, he didn’t want me for anything more than sex.At least the other guy asked me what I liked to do for fun. I mean he seemed really nice until night before last when I couldn’t sleep and I texted him, and what did he text back? This is exactly what he wrote, right off of my phone.

…its the middle of the night and I’m feeling a little horny and I just wanted to see something that would help cool down…

I just met him last week, why am I treated like this? What type of vibe and I giving off. This is one of the reason why I’m slowly started to hate men. I’ve been trying so hard not to get to this point, but time after time they continue to do me wrong, no matter how nice I am, so I’m just going to start being a bitch to them. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I hurt they pride or they’re feelings, and I really wish one of them would put their hand on me for bruising their ego, I would kill them. I don’t care anymore. I have no respect for men anymore, because they have none for me,and until I find that one who wants to treat me right, my emotions will stay the same. I’m through with them.

I guess you can say role model, it’s the only phrase I could think of right now (I’m drowsy and hyper at the same time. I took a sleeping pill last night and took my adderall this morning.). But this is someone who really inspires me. I feel like I can relate to her a lot. She loves fashion, like me, and she owns (or Co-owns) a women’s boutique, like I want to. I see a lot of myself in her,and I bet you’re wondering who it is. Well….I know I’m going to get a lot of mess for saying this….its…..Khloe Kardashian.

Khloe Kardashian

Yes, it’s true. I know you’re thinking that I’m obsessed with these chicks, and you’re kinda right, but now really. I love their show, Keeping Up with the Kardashian, but the real reason why I’m so hooked on them is because Kourtney, Kim,and Khloe remind me of my 2 sisters and I. Kourtney, who is the oldest, reminds me a lot of my older sister. She’s very classy, smart,and funny. Also she’s short like my sister. Kim, who is the middle child, reminds me of my middle sister. My sister is the diva, she’s pretty,and she’s a model. She’s very classy, like Kim (yes, I called Kim Kardashian classy.), and as of right now she’s like the “star of the family”.

And then, it’s Khloe and I. We are both the youngest(Khloe is the youngest of the Kardashians, they have 2 younger sisters who are Jenners), we both have unique personalities, we both love fashion, and she owns a boutique with her sisters and I want to open a boutique. I was watching E! news and they were saying that during Fashion Week her stores ,Dash and Smooch, did a runway show to showcase the clothing that they have in the store. She said that she was in charge of everything, from the music to the models. That really made me realize that even though I do relate to Kim in some aspects of my life(the “infamous”, wanting to model and act, wanting to date a NFL Running Back.), but for the most part I really relate to Khloe more.

I know, I know, ya’ll think she’s just a “rich spoiled brat”, but not really. She’s been working since she was a teenager. She’s really determined,and she knows what she wants. Another thing that we have in common is that we are both single. I’m thinking it is because she’s always working and she just doesn’t have time. Kinda like me, I have a couple of guys trying to talk to me,but I don’t have time to talk or hang out with them because of school and work.

It’s not like I don’t have any black role models, it’s just that I just can’t relate to them. I love Beyonce for her style and work ethic, and I also admire her mother Tina Knowles for being classy, sassy, helpful,and just being an all around strong black woman. But life-wise, I don’t think I can relate to them. A lot of things I have done is usually unheard of in most black communities, at least it doesn’t seem like it. If I sat down with Khloe and just had a personal talk with her I think that I would relate to her more. For example, having lost someone very close to you. I can relate to how she felt when her father died because I went through the same thing when my grandmother died.

Though she is not black, she is a minority. I’ll prove it….how many Armenians do you know? Exactly, she’s a minority. So it’s not like my role models are rich white girls, they are determined, strong, minorities. Beyonce, Khloe, and Nicole Richie to name a few. They have been through things and snapped back. Took responsibility for their actions and served their time, even though it was kinda unfair that they got days and minutes for a crime that most people would get years for, but hey that’s the way the cookie crumbles when you’re famous.

Luv Ya!!!

Hi all! So I just got done doing my African American Studies homework. Basically all I had to do was read the book and answers some question, and just like any other lazy ass college student, I just read the sections that had to do with the questions and skipped the rest of the chapter. However,as I was flipping through the chapter on the Middle Passage, I came across a section about African women on the slave ships. How they were forced to have sex with European men, because they thought that African women were less valuable than the men. This was because one these ships, slave women were worth half the price of slave men, and the European men thought that this made it ok for them to abuse these women.

First thing that popped into my head was the Jezebel stereotype. If you don’t know what that is….Google it…lol. Naw, I’m going to be nice and tell you. A “Jezebel” is a loose woman, usually a black woman, who craves sex all the time. This stereotype was created by European men who went to Africa.

The next thing was the obvious, the way black women are portrayed in music, movies, television,and other forms of entertainment. How music by black artist has always been raunchier and more sexually driven (well I should say more straight forward when it comes to sex.) than any other type of music. Rap music videos disgust me now (well except for Soulja Boi’s “Donk” video, that’s kinda funny and I don’t even like Soulja Boi.). All you see is ass to the camera. What else is this girl supposed to do if the song calls for ass to the camera? If you search online, you can find girls talking about sleeping with celebrities. Talking about how long,or short he was, and being proud of it. It’s something called groupie confessions, and don’t get me started with Supahead….

The next thing to come to my mind, which I believe has something to do with the second thing, was the black community. What I see everyday. Females younger than me with 2 and 3 babies, dressing in the shortest and tightest clothing available. I work across the street from a night that had a teen night every week, and I would just be shocked at the way these young girls would dress. I mean my mother wouldn’t have let me leave my room in some of the thing these chicks are wearing. Young girls are having sex and getting pregnant at younger ages. I’m not even going to lie I had my first “sexual experience” at 12. I didn’t have sex, it was just an “experience”, and that was the one and only time up until I was like 16. There are children out here having sex starting at age 8. I won’t thinking about no sex at age 8! I didn’t even think I liked boys at age 8…..did I? I don’t know, but I know I won’t thinking about fucking them!

Black colleges have the highest rates of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Being an eye witness myself,and also being one who has gotten caught up in this,I can see why. All they want to do if fuck! It’s crazy. Even the phrase “Chill” doesn’t have the same meaning anymore. If a guy wants to “chill” with a girl…..it mean he wants to have sex with her. No one sent me the email on this definition change so I found myself in many awkward situations.

Anyway back to the music. Most rap songs and r&b songs are about sex. It’s always been that way. Think about,I bet you can name 3 without thinking. So I actually don’t want you to think about it……..anyway, you can name 3.

But for real, why do we continue to up hold these stereotypes about ourselves? Do we not know? Us as black people are very sexual people, it’s in our history. Think about it….it’s everywhere. And it’s not only us but hispanics as well, and asians! Why are we always portrayed as sex things, and sometimes nothing more? Video girls are chosen for their body parts, and yeah people like Buffy and Deelishis might be the leading lady in a music video, but that’s it. People only see them as video hoochies and that’s a shame. I actually like Deelishis single “rumpshaker”, it’s actually on my mp3 player right now. I think one of the reason why it didn’t get as much play is because many people saw her as a talking ass from a reality show.

Yet, young black men will still have her and any other video model’s King or Smooth Girl cover hanging on their wall versus a picture of Michele Obama. And what is this teaching our young girls? That they have to literally show their ass to get attention? That you gotta look like a hooker to get a man’s attention? It’s ridiculous!! Ok,ok, I know in recent entries I’ve written about how these same images have affected me in a negative way, but that is what I was looking at all the time. I wanted to model, and at the time when you looked up black modeling agencies you found agencies that catered to women who look like Buffy, and I thought that in order to break into the industry, to get people to notice me, I had to look like that.

Basically this all comes down to the old phrase “sex sells”. And it does, and just like any luxury item, it is being advertised mostly to the black community through it’s own people. I know there are people who would debate that I am the last person who should be writing on this subject,especially some of those who went to MSU, but I believe that more than anyone else I should be speaking on this subject and how wrong it it. Yeah, I made a mistake and in the process actually gave more truth to the old Jezebel stereotype, but I have grown past that and now realize that a lot of the things I was doing was not right and was quite degrading to black women, and that incident just knocked some sense into me and made me clean my act up. And now that I’m seeing this subject a little bit clearer, I see now that these things are not right and should be fixed, and I am willing to do my part to fix it.

Luv Ya!!!

Oh yeah, and if you want to read more about this Jezebel Stereotype….click here. It’s very interesting…

Before I start, I just want to Let ya’ll know that I started a Claudette Jameson Facebook page. I’m trying to keep Brit and Claudy separate. So you all on Sisterlicious can add me if you like, as well as anyone else on Facebook.

Anyway, I was reading my comments today, and I saw that I had one under the one I made about my weight…the most recent one. I also had one one Sisterlicious (I really need to find a way to abbreviate that if I’m going to be writing it all the time…I’ll think of something). And it got me to thinking. Is someone’s insecurites and self-esteem issues really that obvious to people? I mean as much as I try to pretend like I don’t have those issues in public, and I act as though I very confident, can people really see through that?

I just recently admitted to myself that my esteem wasn’t so great, and I’ve been trying to fix it. But as much as I try to tell myself that I’m gorgeous and no one can compete with me, as soon as that one chick or the one couple walks past I go back to my old ways. I go back to being that “well if I looked like her I would have him” person.

It always comes back to the way men see me. I want they’re attention. It’s the only thing that will make me happy. If a guy is looking at her and not me, I get jealous. It’s always been that way, so I would go to extremes to get them to pay attention to me. I would do anything, what ever they wanted almost to get that attention. That ended up getting me in trouble and what was behind my incident in college. I didn’t care who it was I just wanted that attention, I wanted all eyes on me, I wanted what I thought was love.

I know ya’ll would be quick to say that I had daddy issues…..and you might just have hit the nail on the head. I mean I never thought I did since my father was in my life, but then I realized something. My father very rarely said he loved me. I don’t think it’s because he didn’t, actually I don’t know why, but it’s like he only says it after we have a long phone conversation, or if I was having some trouble. Other than that…rarely.

But other than that what would make me act this way. Even now, I cautious about who I am intimate with, and I still haven’t had sex with anyone, but I’m known as a tease to a lot of guys because of what I do with them. Even though a lot of guys have treated me badly, actually most of them have treated me just as bad or even worse than women, I still want to be around them. I don’t hate men. After all the mental, physical,and emotional abuse. After being taken advantage of numerous time, I don’t hate them. I mean I don’t like lames, but I don’t hate them. I don’t have that anger towards them like I do with most women. What is up?!?!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand,is low self-esteem really that obvious? Even when you try to hide it, can people really see through that? How can I improve my self esteem? How can I be more confident in myself? I know it won’t happen overnight, but is there exercises you can do? Something like standing in the mirror and talking to myself? I just want to be normal, I’m not suppose to be like this…..

Ok, so as you all know….or if you don’t know already. I have gained weight. I hate to admit it, but I have to face it. Anyway, I think that my ballooning is preventing me from finding that guy that I want.

I remember hearing that in order to find a guy with the traits you want, you gotta have some of those traits yourself…something like that. I think I have some of the traits that I want in a guy. I want a cute guy…I’m cute, actually I’m very very cute…anyway, I like athletic guys, I love to workout…..

Hold up. Do you think it’s because they don’t think I workout as much as I actually do? I mean on a good day I can workout for like 3 hours, but it’s just that I eat like the 1,000 pound man. They should be lucky I do work out or I would be 300 by now with the way I eat.

I have to admit, even though I really don’t care what females think of me, I do care what guys think of me. Another thing that I have to work on, and I hate it when dudes think that I’m unattractive because I don’t have a child’s size waist and a fat ass, and that takes a toll on me. I mean I believe that I am very attractive from the neck up, but from the neck down I have really bad body issues and it is because of me caring about how I think these very shallow men see me.

Not to say that I don’t have a great personality. My personality is the greatest, I don’t think I have to worry too much about things like that. Not that I don’t have to improve on them, but those are things that have always been positive traits of mine. I’ve always been cute, I’ve always had a great personality, but I’ve never had a great body, and I think that is what people focus on the most.

And that pisses me off. Why must people be so shallow? Why can’t they just except people for who they are on the inside? Why must men be so shallow, and base wether or not they have a relationship with a female off of how their body looks and how good they are in bed? Do they not know the toll these things take on females like me. When I used to watch music videos, I would compare myself to the girls in these videos. Some of my readers from when I was on Blogger might remember my weight loss blog. Me wanting a “Video Vixen’s Body”. I would do anything to look like them. Small waist, big boob, and big butt. Even if it meant not eating , eating once a day, or trying to make myself vomit after eating. I wanted to look like that.

As of right now I take laxatives. It’s not a regular thing, just on the days I eat fast food to help with my digestion. But it’s dieter’s tea so…..yeah.

I’m so glad that school is starting, I’ll have less time to watch tv and focus more on my school work. I believe that the media has effected the way I see myself, just like a lot of young women my age. But instead of stick figures, it’s the curvy women, the Kim Kardshians and the Beyonce’s. People who are suppose to represent the shapes of “real women” even though most Americans are over weight….right. Though women like Kim and Bey are healthy motivation for me, I’ll willing to go the drastic measures to look like them because I know that after I lose some weight I will….

Anyway, even though I’m sitting here writing this long ass “woes is me” sob story, that doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything about it. I’ve cut out my late night Taco Bell trips(actually my reason for that wasn’t for my health, but because this guy who has been stalking me kinda works there late night now…soooo I’m trying to avoid him.), I don’t eat fast food like I used to. The fridge in my room is filled with fruit, applesauce, water, yogurt,and G2, and I signed up for pilates class at school. On top of that,I’m still going walking during the week.

I tend to lose weight while I’m in school anyway so I should be back down to my normal weight in a couple of weeks. Just stay away from the candy at work and I’ll be good….

Luv ya!

I always try to greet everyone who comes into my job, but this week I decided to make sure I greet every single Black Women who walks into this week, regardless of how they look and how I think they may respond. While I was doing this I began to to notice something. I get a more pleasant response from Lighter skinned women than I do dark skinned women. It seems like from light brite to a shade darker than caramel women are usually nicer to me than Dark chocolate and darker women.

I always wondered why there was that tension. As a Sociologist, I like to observe the actions and patterns of people. But for some reason I can’t put my finger on why some darker skinned women have this hostility towards lighter skinned women. The only thing I could think of is insecurities and jealousy. I’m not saying that those women who were rude to me were jealous of me, but jealous of my skin tone. I mean I’m your average red bone (am I a red bone? IDK), light skin, light eyes, and ,depending on the day, long hair. Very stereotypical. However,I can understand how someone can become jealous of someone with my traits. Although we scream that we are black and proud of it, black media is still throwing out hints that white is right when it comes to appearance, and black women are the main ones being targeted by it.

I was walking down the “Black Folks Aisle” at Wal-Mart the other night. You know that little piece of the aisle in the beauty section that has all the relaxers and such for black people? I was shocked when I saw skin whitener. I understand that most use it to lighten up dark spots, but I’ve heard of many black women using it to make all of there skin lighter. You walk in the hair stores and most of the weaves in there are sliky, yaki, human hair that looks like it was cut right off of the head of a European woman. Damaging your hair with chemical relaxers just to get it straight. I’m not saying this is bad. Shoot, the only reason why I’m going natural is because the chemicals in the relaxer irritates my scalp and makes it flake real bad. But I just think it’s crazy that the media is pushing us to look more European, and hurting the self-esteems of black women in the process.

But that’s just what I think. I believe everyone does something for a reason. Those women who come into my job and are rude to mean, it not for no reason, it’s just for a reason that doesn’t have anything to do with me personally. Just like how last week I wouldn’t have even talked to any of these women. It didn’t have anything to do with them personally, it was something I was dealing with on my own and as a result I took it out on them.

But this needs to stop. Regardless of if you are light skin or dark skin, if racist sees ya’ll hanging around, he ain’t gonna see skin shades, he’s just going to see Niggers. So just let this skin shade war end. It’s pointless….