Life of the College Girl

Is it Really That Obvious?

Posted on: August 25, 2008

Before I start, I just want to Let ya’ll know that I started a Claudette Jameson Facebook page. I’m trying to keep Brit and Claudy separate. So you all on Sisterlicious can add me if you like, as well as anyone else on Facebook.

Anyway, I was reading my comments today, and I saw that I had one under the one I made about my weight…the most recent one. I also had one one Sisterlicious (I really need to find a way to abbreviate that if I’m going to be writing it all the time…I’ll think of something). And it got me to thinking. Is someone’s insecurites and self-esteem issues really that obvious to people? I mean as much as I try to pretend like I don’t have those issues in public, and I act as though I very confident, can people really see through that?

I just recently admitted to myself that my esteem wasn’t so great, and I’ve been trying to fix it. But as much as I try to tell myself that I’m gorgeous and no one can compete with me, as soon as that one chick or the one couple walks past I go back to my old ways. I go back to being that “well if I looked like her I would have him” person.

It always comes back to the way men see me. I want they’re attention. It’s the only thing that will make me happy. If a guy is looking at her and not me, I get jealous. It’s always been that way, so I would go to extremes to get them to pay attention to me. I would do anything, what ever they wanted almost to get that attention. That ended up getting me in trouble and what was behind my incident in college. I didn’t care who it was I just wanted that attention, I wanted all eyes on me, I wanted what I thought was love.

I know ya’ll would be quick to say that I had daddy issues…..and you might just have hit the nail on the head. I mean I never thought I did since my father was in my life, but then I realized something. My father very rarely said he loved me. I don’t think it’s because he didn’t, actually I don’t know why, but it’s like he only says it after we have a long phone conversation, or if I was having some trouble. Other than that…rarely.

But other than that what would make me act this way. Even now, I cautious about who I am intimate with, and I still haven’t had sex with anyone, but I’m known as a tease to a lot of guys because of what I do with them. Even though a lot of guys have treated me badly, actually most of them have treated me just as bad or even worse than women, I still want to be around them. I don’t hate men. After all the mental, physical,and emotional abuse. After being taken advantage of numerous time, I don’t hate them. I mean I don’t like lames, but I don’t hate them. I don’t have that anger towards them like I do with most women. What is up?!?!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand,is low self-esteem really that obvious? Even when you try to hide it, can people really see through that? How can I improve my self esteem? How can I be more confident in myself? I know it won’t happen overnight, but is there exercises you can do? Something like standing in the mirror and talking to myself? I just want to be normal, I’m not suppose to be like this…..


4 Responses to "Is it Really That Obvious?"

You seem to already know this but, the attention thing can definitely get you into a worldwind of trouble and it’s also not good. I also recently just wrote a column on self esteem and being comfortable in your own skin. Maybe it can be of some inspiration to you, . To answer your question sometimes people can see your insecurities like a new diamond ring but, I think it really depends on the person. Just try not to be so self conscious. Just be yourself.

I’m the one that left that comment… I don’t know what you are like in real life, but in that blog post when you were saying things like that you hate yourself from the neck down it was a big red flag. I do not profess to know why you are that way, (I’m actually slow to blame your dad, considering he’s a: alive b: in your life c: he actually tells you he loves you at all, but once again I don’t know you or your situation) but I do hope for your sake you can do something about it. There are a LOT of women who feel the same way you do; I’ve watched both friends and family suffer through poor self-image. I tell them the same things I told you, some listened and some ignored me and kept on going the same way, which breaks my heart. Since you are in college, find out if there is a student health center with a counselor you can talk to, that will at least be a place to start.

It’s not that your core feelings are bad or wrong; every person on this earth wants to be loved / appreciated / desired. But you have to love you first, or what anyone else thinks of you won’t matter.

I read a couple of your other posts… there is nothing wrong with being cheap, and you should mail that guy his hat back

Keep your head up and stop beating yourself up with self image issues. Mind elevation…

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