Life of the College Girl

Ya’ll know I keep it real up here…..

Posted on: April 2, 2008

I don’t care what I write. I may censor some events and names, but as long as I have the right to free speech I will speak freely. Especially when it comes to me, and not care what people think of it because this is my life. If you’re going to talk about me then you might as well know a bit about me. I just wrote a public note on Facebook. At the end I directed to the link to this blog. So there may be some newbies reading this. If so, hello and enjoy your stay. This disclaimer leads up to what I am going to write today,because I know that somebody is going to use this against me,but I really don’t care because this is how I get things off my mind. The good and the bad,the happy and the sad, the silly and the not so silly..lol…I’ll write it all here…..now on with the entry…

I FEEL LIKE AN ASS! I really do, I felt it coming. He doesn’t want a relationship right now. It could be the truth,because I know he’s always on the go, but at the same time I always get that. Why can’t I never be the wifey? Why am I always the “friend with benefits”? Back in the day, I wouldn’t have minded being the FWB, but with the ways things have been I don’t want to be that anymore. I mean I don’t have sex so what benefits are there? Head? And that’s usually all they want…..

….But it hurts a lot because this just happened to me last semester. I liked a guy, I thought he felt the same. I hinted to him that I wanted him as my guy, he told me that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, so I was like ok. A couple of weeks later he starts dating someone…..

…But wait it happened again. We were talking, he told me that because he was moving away he didn’t want a girlfriend….2 day after the relationship status on his Myspace page changes, as well as his profile picture. Him and his new girlfriend kissing….

…And the list goes on. I’m starting to think it’s me, so I’ve been reflecting, comparing myself to others in relationships,and digging for my flaws. I think they think I’m just a dumb whore. I don’t talk much,because I have nothing to say. I rather write it. However, most say that communication is a key factor in a good relationship,so I can go through a relationship just writing notes and text messages. I’m far from dumb, I know that,but they don’t know that…..

…Most only want me for sex. I hate that,but you couldn’t tell by the way I try to use my sexuality to bag a guy. I don’t really do that anymore,I didn’t do that with the guy I was talking to,or at least I didn’t do it intentionally. It just comes out….

…My rep could play a part in it too….nuff said….

…Maybe I’m just not pretty enough….LMAO!!! Sike! I know it’s not that…..get da fuck outta here!!!

Maybe he really doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, not just me. He really seems nice,and I can really trust him. He said he would never hurt me, yet he did unknowingly and it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I’m usually happy when I speak about him,but right now it’s like the muscle in my face are struggling to form and keep a smile. I’m texting him as we speak, but I don’t want to tell what I’m really feeling. I don’t want him to think that it’s because of him, or that I’m trying to force him to be with me when I’m not.

I always do this shit way too soon! Why don’t I just wait for the guy to make the first move? Because I’m impatient. When I want something,I want it now,and when I can’t get it when I want it then I get upset. It’s like that in all aspects of life for me.

But yeah,I hope I don’t dwell on this for too long. I have way too much to do. I have a paper for Sociology that is due tomorrow,and I’m going to do some research on business plans, even though we’re going to start on them in English class sometime either this week or next week, I want to start now (see there it goes, me being impatient). I really need to start planning for my store too. Especially if I want to open it by my junior year…..so I guess I’ll just sleep on this situation, wake up,and start working…..so peace ya’ll!

Love ya!

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